Steve's EMT Rules

Previously published as a Facebook note.
Steve took an EMT class in college before his mission. These are "DA RULES:"
EMS “Da Rules”

1. All bleeding stops… eventually
2. Air goes in and out. Blood goes round and round. Any variation of that is a bad thing.
3. Skin signs tell all.
4. You can’t cure stupid.
5. There is no such thing as a textbook case.
6. All people will eventually die, no matter what you do.
7. If the child is still and quiet… be afraid.
8. There will be problems.
9. If it is wet, sticky, and not yours… leave it alone!
10. If you are dispatched to an MVA (motor vehicle accident) after 2 AM and you don’t find a drunk, keep looking because someone is still missing.
11. Shallow gene pool is not a diagnosis.
12. Sick people don’t b****.
13. About 70% of all battery patients more than likely deserved it.
14. The more equipment you see on an EMT’s belt the newer they are.
15. The more patches an EMT has on his/her jacket, the fewer actual patients they have seen.
16. When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
17. Never trust the ambulance to be fully stocked. If you don’t have it, improvise. Improvisation is the mother of invention.
18. Probies always look for large things in the small compartments and vice versa.
19. If the patient is going to vomit, aim them at the person you like the least.
20. Take comfort: most of your patients will survive regardless of what you do to them.
21. Sick people only call because they couldn’t get in their car. They apologize for bothering you. When you see them, be afraid.
22. When a pregnant woman says “the baby is coming” you better believe her.
23. When a patient says “I think I am going to die” he is probably right.
24. Beware of “guard geese.”
25. The dog that “never bites” really does.
26. Never believe the dispatcher.
27. When evacuating a “HAZMAT” scene, stay 200 feet back from the first dead cop or firefighter, whichever comes first.
28. “HAZMAT” workers are trained professionals, not “glow worms.”
29. When removing a patient’s shoes, beware of “toxic shock syndrome.”
30. Never leave the alcohol swabs unattended.
31. Never forget your patients are “human.” Sometimes the best medicine is simply holding someone’s hand.

I'm on the hunt...

...for this kitchen canister set! It was a wedding present and I can't find it online. Circleware Kitchen See+Stor 3 piece canister set, style #66648.

Computer stuff

My computer:
HP Pavilion a6110n PC

Motherboard
(photo courtesy of HP's website)



Crazy updates:
I bought my computer August 2007 and last week I did a full system restore on it - deleted everything, set it all up again, etc. It had so many updates to install - crazy!

Custodial Quote Wall

Previously published as a Facebook note.
Quotes from summer '09 - spring '10.
Me:
"potty juice" (cleaner)
"hey look, underwear" (undies abandoned in the girls' locker room)
"bandited" and "banditing" (tradition of leaving the aforementioned undies in the other crew's area as a joke)
"You can't be manly. Sorry." (talking to Scott about how he was the only guy on the crew)
"Upper division courses and private tutoring will be made available for those who express interest or exhibit apparent need." - in a letter to the editor I wrote with Scott about how people don't flush (didn't get published)
"I like it when guys are feminine."
"The bedroom." (Paris or Sicily)
Scott:
"My teacher's so great but I wish I could hate him."
"So I'm looking for a quick 'get rich' way to make money."
"I'm the testosterone bandit."
"Running really is like a drug. I don't know why it isn't against the Word of Wisdom. Oh wait, maybe 'cuz it's good for you."
"I want to go out like a man - not afraid of tampon bags."
Kipp:
"Girls' bodies do such gross things. If they weren't so pretty, I wouldn't touch 'em."
"Transaladilaja" - pronunciation of "tarantula"
Kinzi:
"The women's locker room IS a dangerous place."

Divorce Agreement

Divorce Agreement
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.


Sincerely,

John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.

On Flushing - Letter to the Editor

To our well-mannered fellow students, we congratulate you. It has come to our attention that it is possible for a person to become so advanced in their knowledge and intent on furthering it they can neglect or even forget the basics upon which their field of study is established.

We suppose that some people become so loaded with stress and the responsibilities of college life that they forget the very fundamentals taught at home when they were three years old. Though it is a simple task that most students do without thinking, the current trend of not flushing the toilet is becoming so popular that we are beginning to wonder if it is a new fad!

To help combat this problem, we propose that BYU offer a mandatory class entitled “Basic Restroom 101.” In it, students (and faculty) would learn there is more than one way to flush a toilet; there are four. Pull the handle up, push it down, rotate it until it flushes, or use your foot. Girls would learn that anything soiled with blood, a biohazardous substance, should be disposed of in the white boxes provided in every stall. Upper division courses and private tutoring will be made available for those who express interest or exhibit apparent need.

Cordially, your fellow students and custodians,

Angela Berrett and Scott Blanch

Quote Wall - Fall 2009 Norma's #3

Previously published as a Facebook note.
In order of most to least quotes:
Jessica
Doesn't he just look like he's on CRACK?
Just because I'm small doesn't mean I can't appreciate a dead cow on a plate.
I'm just not feeling intrinsically wisdomish.
It's assumed teenagers have brains, but that they're dormant.
I feel bad profiting off all your hard work, but I'll still do it, with a song in my heart.
I'm not supposed to be same - I'm female.
It's dangerous to be a closet leaper - shin injuries.
SEMI-bread of life - otherwise it would be blasphemous, and we can't have that.
Now I have an un-Christmas card list, and she's on THAT.
Why do we have to have them doing it in our kitchen?
Little aliens come with squirt hoses.
We have to put on a man-strut song.
In the resurrection when I'm not allergic anymore I'm playing with cats every single day.
Haven't you ever wanted to butter a sparrow?
I have my own dead cow! Ha!
Steve (Angela's boyfriend)
It could just be that I haven't spent so much time so close to other people's stomachs.
Jessica, do goldfish reproduce sexually or do they spawn?
I have nothing against the manly leap. I do it myself sometimes when nobody's watching.
Color pwn!
High heaven must be a stinky place, 'cuz everything stinks to it.
That's how the French say 'Merry Christmas.' They build people stuff.
Santa pwn!
There's two rules you have to follow: you don't cup, and you don't rub.
I can pretend there's pretend meat.
Julie
I feel sort of Asian right now 'cuz I have a square bowl.
I have those [munchies] every day. I think I'm a crack addict in my sleep, or something.
My life is complete!
I just wanna be Black because then I can tell people what I think and not get beat down for it.
Kirsten
I'm not a fan of sleeping with mosquitoes. I'm saving myself for someone.
I'm not sure how I feel about this... you just hatched a spoon.
Question mark?
Angela
What kind of church do YOU have?
I need to go sell my body. Julie should come too.
I can make octopus faces! If octopuses had faces, that's what they'd look like!
Becca (Julie's friend)
If you have a brain, it has to be intelligent.
Julie and I are never going to get married. We're going to move to Italy and get lots of purses.
Shaun (Kirsten's fiance, now husband)
Makes sense - they're both brains.
Hilary (Jessica's friend)
No one in this movie has a tan - not even the Black guy.
Two-person quotes:
"That's racial profiling!" - Steve "They're freaking pickles!" - Angela
"It would be like having a period that never ends." - Steve "FML." - goldfish
"They're trying to make one!" - Kirsten "They can't make it that way!" - Angela

In our relationship

Some good questions that'll provide opportunity for a thoughtful conversation with your significant other.

1. I feel loved when you…
2. I feel appreciated when you…
3. I am happiest when…
4. I am the saddest when…
5. I am angriest when…
6. I would like more…
7. I would like less…
8. I feel awkward when…
9. I feel uneasy when…
10. I feel excited when…
11. I feel close to you when…
12. I feel distant from you when…
13. I feel most afraid when…
14. My greatest concern/fear for us is…
15. What I like most about myself is…
16. What I dislike most about myself is…
17. The feelings I have the most difficulty sharing are…
18. The feelings I can share most easily with you are…
19. Our relationship could be greatly improved with just a little effort if we…
20. The one thing that needs the most immediate attention is…
21. The best thing is…

Funny situations

“Find Humor in Everyday Situations, Speaker Urges” by Cerisa Urry, on Barbara Barrington Jones

Jones told a story of a time when President Spencer W. Kimball was kneeling by his desk to pray. As he was on his knees a person walked in and found he was laughing; he then excused himself for interrupting and President Kimball replied, “Oh don’t bother, I just told Heavenly Father a joke.”

Why I'm Awesome

I did this for a job application, and it helps to perk my mood too!

I am a hard worker. I am dedicated to the task I am expected to do and do a very thorough job with whatever I’m assigned. I pay great attention to detail because I want to do well. I know how to keep things well organized and tidy so that I can be more efficient and productive. I am always willing to learn more and help others.
I am a fast hands-on learner with a good memory. I take direction from supervisors well and am not afraid to ask for help if I need it. As it pertains to leadership, unless I really know what I’m doing and don’t have too much expected of me all at once, if I must lead I prefer to be in a leadership position either under or with another person so we can help each other out. I enjoy working with people but I also enjoy working alone.
I am a very friendly, nice person and enjoy interacting with others in teamwork or customer service situations, among others. I love doing service for others; it is a priority of mine to make sure others are well taken care of and happy. If the situation allows, I will go out of my way to help someone with a project, whether big or small with no thought of repayment. People value my friendship and giving nature and I have been complimented on this many times.
I can have fun in any situation and am usually a very optimistic and happy person. If someone is not having a good day, I do my best to help lighten their mood; even if I am having a bad day I make sure to pretend I’m not and still try to cheer them up so that we can both feel better and be more productive. I try to always be the one that people can go to if they need anything; a task completed, someone to talk to, someone to cheer them up, etc.
I always stick to my principles and stand up for what I believe in. I will defend others if they are not being respected or treated fairly in whatever way is appropriate for the situation; standing up and putting in a good word for them, offering advice on how to approach a situation (if they have told me about another circumstance), or just being someone that will listen when people want to talk about their frustrations/stressors. I can usually tell what people are in the mood for; when people want someone to just listen or someone to give suggestions or advice, for example.