Steve's EMT Rules

Previously published as a Facebook note.
Steve took an EMT class in college before his mission. These are "DA RULES:"
EMS “Da Rules”

1. All bleeding stops… eventually
2. Air goes in and out. Blood goes round and round. Any variation of that is a bad thing.
3. Skin signs tell all.
4. You can’t cure stupid.
5. There is no such thing as a textbook case.
6. All people will eventually die, no matter what you do.
7. If the child is still and quiet… be afraid.
8. There will be problems.
9. If it is wet, sticky, and not yours… leave it alone!
10. If you are dispatched to an MVA (motor vehicle accident) after 2 AM and you don’t find a drunk, keep looking because someone is still missing.
11. Shallow gene pool is not a diagnosis.
12. Sick people don’t b****.
13. About 70% of all battery patients more than likely deserved it.
14. The more equipment you see on an EMT’s belt the newer they are.
15. The more patches an EMT has on his/her jacket, the fewer actual patients they have seen.
16. When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
17. Never trust the ambulance to be fully stocked. If you don’t have it, improvise. Improvisation is the mother of invention.
18. Probies always look for large things in the small compartments and vice versa.
19. If the patient is going to vomit, aim them at the person you like the least.
20. Take comfort: most of your patients will survive regardless of what you do to them.
21. Sick people only call because they couldn’t get in their car. They apologize for bothering you. When you see them, be afraid.
22. When a pregnant woman says “the baby is coming” you better believe her.
23. When a patient says “I think I am going to die” he is probably right.
24. Beware of “guard geese.”
25. The dog that “never bites” really does.
26. Never believe the dispatcher.
27. When evacuating a “HAZMAT” scene, stay 200 feet back from the first dead cop or firefighter, whichever comes first.
28. “HAZMAT” workers are trained professionals, not “glow worms.”
29. When removing a patient’s shoes, beware of “toxic shock syndrome.”
30. Never leave the alcohol swabs unattended.
31. Never forget your patients are “human.” Sometimes the best medicine is simply holding someone’s hand.