Graduation

I am now officially graduated from high school. Newer posts will all be from college.

The Soap Opera of Too Many Characters

The Soap Opera

of

Too Many Characters

Once upon a time, Wally the Wienerschnitzel was going for a walk when he met a frog. The frog’s name was Ribbit and he had a pet muffin named Cherry. (Angela Berrett)

Cherry was eaten by Ribbit because Ribbit was hungry. Cherry is no longer in this story. (Jacob Reuckert)

While Ribbit was crying because of the horrible thing he had done, along came a pretty unicorn. Her name was Sparkle Rainbow. She told Ribbit that they could be best friends! So Ribbit got on her back and they flew away. Well, they had forgotten about the wienerschnitzel. He sat and started to cry. But, some of Sparkle Rainbow’s magic dust fell on him, and the schnitzel turned into a handsome Prince. (Olivia Dayton)

Then out of the sky came Lord Voldemort and it ate the unicorn and then the prince turned into stone because Lord Voldemort was so ugly and then Harry Potter came and turned Lord Voldemort into a rabbit and right then a wolf ate the rabbit. (Jacob Reuckert)

Then a turtle named Flash came into the story because he was so fast and he could jump so high that he just jumped right into the story. And then the turtle tripped Harry Potter and he fell off a cliff and into a lake but because he didn’t take swimming lessons he drowned. But he dropped his wand so the turtle picked it up and became Donkey. Then he used his wand and turned the wolf into Shrek. And Donkey told Shrek "I’m making waffles." (Brandon Heffron)

Right then Nemo from "Finding Nemo" grew so big that he averaged 2 inches in length he then called for his friend Bruce. Bruce attacked Shrek but Shrek killed Bruce so Nemo called for another friend his name was Dad. Dad is so big that he ate Shrek and then Donkey kicked Dad’s stomach and Shrek fell out and then Shrek and Donkey went on another quest. (Jacob Reuckert)

Then the alien named Thorlisknor came in his hammer shaped warship. And used his advanced technology and brought everybody back to life. And Puss in Boots cut a piece of ham and ate it. (Thomas Larsen)

Then Fred Flintstone came and destroyed all of the advanced technology because he had a simple mind and the technology gave him a headache. Then he got in his car and went bowling with Barney. (TJ Burr)

Then Alisa was seen walking around in a daze of confusion because there were so many characters she had absolutely no idea what was going on so Shrek came up behind her a nd put her out of her misery by snapping her neck. (Alisa Watanabe)

This created and unresolved paradox, and the universe immediately imploded in itself and began anew with all new characters like Sally. Sally was a looker. (Matt Dea)

All of a sudden, Jaleh Afshar aka Satan/God comes and threatens to destroy everybody unless she receives $1 million dollars and Serj as her personal slave. (Jaleh Afshar)

Unfortunately for Jaleh aka Satan/God, Ganondorf had accumulated all 3 parts of the triforce, therefore he was able to assimilate Jaleh into pure osmium. Therefore Ganon ruled the worlk until all of the sudden, Link, the Hero of Time, showed up and kicked Ganon’s butt. Link got the triforce, became immortal, and revived Cherry the talking blueberry muffin to command Ganon’s former throne. (Matt Dea)

On one of Link’s days off work, he was out having a slurpee at 7-11 when in walked Sally. Link’s mouth popped open and his eyes glazed over. What a hottie! (Angela Berrett)

Unfortunately for Link, Sally was afraid of commitment. She was just a "naughty" girl. Link was so sad he decided to go into hiding. He put the master sword back in the pedestal to go back in time 7 years. Then he took the four sword out of his pedestal to become 4 different Links; Green Blue, Red, and Black. They split in the 4 directions, North, South, West, and East and weren’t seen again for 3 years. They are no longer affected by anything for the next 70 paragraphs. Anything else is a LIE!!! (Matt Dea)

Anyways the bass fish who wrote above me is very long winded. Link gets decapitated by a flying kangaroo. He will never return again. The kangaroo becomes king of the pound and all the other dogs worship him. Everybody previously mentioned in the previous stories were killed by a nuclear bomb dropped by the king kangaroo. Everyone died. No survivors except king kangaroo and his kingdom. They dwell in a palm tree for time and all eternity happily ever after. King kangaroo lives. (?)

Red Link survived and was bored so he went to find some "action." He ran into Zelda. He got slapped and he ran away. He ran straight into king kangaroo. Red Link was so ticked off he chained king kangaroo to a wall and skinned him alive while he watched the kangaroo die. He went back to Zelda which led to his death. And that is the life story of No, aka (Camren Copier)

Suddenly: BOOM! Everybody died. The end. (Angela Berrett)

But was it the end? Far far away in another universe was a thing and this thing was Marvin the Martian and he was gay but that is another story to tell but as you can see this story was destroyed when Angela’s chemistry class wrote in it. The End.

But was it? (Jacob Reuckert)

The Hotdog World of D3PO and the Tales of DUH

The Hotdog World of D3PO*

By Angela and friends. Different colors represent different authors.

(*edited for clarity and grammar)

Once upon a time there was a penguin named Bert who had a talking rubber pancake named Shroom. Bert’s friend Wally the Wiener Schnitzel had a pet moose named Mr. Princess. One day Bert and his wife Amy decided to adopt pets. So they went to the muffin shelter and adopted 3 talking muffins named Sally, Julie, and Po. (Angela Berrett)

And then Shrek came and he wanted muffins to eat. Julie, Sally, and Po were there for the taking so he ate them and he was full. (Jacob Reuckert)

Then Donkey came and saw that there was a talking pancake. This made him angry, because he was the only one who was supposed to talk that wasn’t human besides Shrek, so he went up to Shroom and ate him. (Brandon Heffron)

And then a snakelike parasite jumped into the back of Shrek’s neck and took over his body. Shrek’s eyes glowed and he said in a resonating and low voice, "Die, Donkey!" Shrek killed Donkey. (Thomas Larsen)

Then a fat rabbit came popping out of a magic top hat and magicked everybody back to life. (Angela Berrett)

And then Jacob came into the story and he killed the muffin man so he wouldn’t make any more fairy-tale muffins. Since the rabbit brought back the muffins, Jacob killed the rabbit and ate the muffins. (Jacob Reuckert)

Then Thomas Larsen came into the story and Donkey saw him and he remembered the snakelike parasite that Thomas had written in which had killed him. He ran straight into Thomas and Thomas flew so far that he fell out of the story. (Brandon Heffron)

And that began the age of Shrek and Donkey. (Jacob Reuckert)

And Thomas landed in Russell’s story. Russell had spaceships and robots, so they went into this story and captured and tortured Brandon until he said "Grandma." The snakelike parasite (from here on referred to as Goa’uld) jumped into a robot suit and allied with Thomas. (Thomas Larsen)

Then the hotdog maker came and turned the Earth into a giant hotdog. Then he hosted a barbecue in his backyard and everybody went swimming in the mustard. (Angela Berrett)

And Jacob was so angry that he ate the hotdog man and right then he remembered what his dad told him: "There is always room for more food" and so he ate the hotdog planet and he was happy. Shrek and Donkey moved to the moon. (Jacob Reuckert)

Ships lie in ruins, bodies lay strewn across the battlefield, and grass soaks in the blood of the fallen. "Cheese!" (Thomas Larsen)

I like cheese. (Angela Berrett)

And Jacob heard about this tragedy and so he went to the battlefield and he ate all the cheese and he was happy. That was the end of this story.

THE END

But was it? In a galaxy far, far away was a flying cow but that’s another story. (Jacob Reuckert)

DUH*

In the beginning after the hotdog world of D3PO was destroyed, there was a flying cow of destruction and it destroyed Planet X because X marks the spot. (Jacob Reuckert)

Then the cow flew away but it wasn’t alone. The moon fell out of orbit and followed the cow. By planet S the cow found out that the moon was coming after it. The cow got hit into Planet Q and landed on Planet P. Then the cow fell into disgusting Stinky Lake. It forced itself onto the shore where a cabin was built. Then the people who lived in the cabin came out. It was Shrek and Donkey! Donkey was talking to Shrek.

"After we do our business, I’m making waffles."

"What the heck is a cow doing here?" Shrek said. (Brandon Heffron)

Then Donkey yelled out, "Got milk?" (Jacob Reuckert)

Then the Stinky Cheese Man moved to Planet P from Planet K and said, "Hi. This is my pet bibbadoinker named Looloo." (A bibbadoinker, by definition, is ‘a snickerdoodle cookie with chocolate chips on it, shaped like a bird, with a pancake hanging from its beak.’) Looloo is immortal because it is an inanimate object. (Angela Berrett)

Then a spaceship landed nearby and two guys walked out, General Bob and the Matrix dude. The Matrix dude cannot die because he is the "Other One." He will protect General Bob with his life and since he’s immortal and super fast, neither of them can die! General Bob said, "Need a ride?" and everybody got in and they flew to Planet Z. Then General Bob made a super powerful fortress to protect all the good guys. He made a ton of spaceships and robot troopers to protect everybody because he’s a nice guy. (Thomas Larsen)

All of a sudden Pogo the Possum showed up! "Guten tag! Ich heiße Pogo! Wie geht’s?" he said. (Olivia Dayton)

"Huh?" said Looloo the Bibbadoinker. "I don’t speak Moose."

"Das ist nicht ‘Moose’, das ist Deutsch!" said Pogo. "I was speaking German, you uneducated nitwit." (Angela Berrett)

And since Jacob didn’t understand German he killed Pogo and Jacob lived happily ever after. (Jacob Reuckert)

And then all of the bad guys died. In various ways...

And then they all came back to life. In various ways... (Thomas Larsen)

And then in outer space, Jacob killed them all that had come back to life. (Jacob Reuckert)

Then Donkey killed Space Jacob and Shrek hit him in the face. Space Jacob died and they ate every other character so they wouldn’t come back to life. (Brandon Heffron)

Then an immortal pelican named Robert came and granted Jacob, Shrek, Donkey, General Bob, and the Matrix dude immortality, because nothing is happening nowadays except strange and sudden murders. (Angela Berrett)

Then Homer Simpson tripped into the picture and turned the immortal pelican and everyone else into donuts and Homer ate everybody and nobody could come back to life because Homer left the picture. (Brandon Heffron)

Then Homer came back only to get shot by an evil lemur named Zaboomafoo and everybody popped out and turned back to normal... (Thomas Larsen)

Then Gollum "borrowed" a rocket from Marvin the Martian while he was on a visit to Mount Doom in Middle-Earth after Marvin resurrected Gollum from the lava. Gollum took the rocket and flew to Planet Z where every multi-resurrected person was. He also brought a bit of wood from Gandalf’s old broken staff with him. Using this tiny bit of magic, he stripped everyone of their power to kill, gave it to himself, and brought Homer back to life so he could eat him. But he was momentarily distracted.

A mini glazed maple donut caught the light as it fell out of Homer’s pocket. Gollum thought it was the Ring. He grabbed for it and stumbled, and upon accidentally catching it in his mouth, choked and died. (Now no one has the power to kill because Gollum had it all and now he’s dead.) Then the evil Lemur caught some weird disease from Gollum’s gross, dead body and died. Then Homer, Robert the immortal pelican, Jacob, Shrek, Donkey, General Bob, and the Matrix dude went on a picnic after Robert resurrected the muffin man and the hotdog maker from this story’s first section. The muffin man and the hotdog maker made the food. Then the hamburger man showed up and invited them all to go skiing in the mayonnaise. (Angela Berrett)

Then a wolf came bounding in and started sniffing at the hamburger man. All of a sudden the wolf changed into a beautiful peasant girl from Camelot and said, "My love! I found you!" Then, leaping for joy, she turned and shouted, "I’m sorry to say your hamburger man is really a vampire and my fiancé." (Eden Durburow)

Then the lord of this story looked down, opened the sky and said, "I hate you, Alfalfa." It rained. (Thomas Larsen)

Then Hitler popped out of the ground. "I will rule the universe now and become almighty!" (Eden Durburow)

And Bilbo jumped off the dragon’s back-you know, the one that was flying overhead-and stabbed Hitler with Sting. The shiny sword. (Thomas Larsen)

Then a dementor escaped from J.K. Rowling’s story and sucked out Hitler’s very tiny soul. But it wasn’t that big, so it wasn’t very filling, so the dementor went back into his old story. (Angela Berrett)

But unknown to the dementor, there was an assassin hired to kill it. (Nick Howard)

But you can’t kill dementors. (Angela Berrett)

The assassin was being paid in girly giggles. 200 of them. (Thomas Larsen)

And some food. (Nick Howard)

But the food, chicken nuggets, didn’t want to be eaten, so they ran away with the dish and the spoon from the Mother Goose rhymes. Then the cat turned up and smashed the assassin’s head with his violin. (Angela Berrett)

Then the wolf girl from Camelot pulled out an A-bomb and set it off. "HA HA HA" (evil laughter). (Eden Durburow)

Then, hickory, dickory, dock; the mouse ran up the clock; the clock struck one; the world exploded; hickory, dickory, dock. (Thomas Larsen)

Then Mother Goose came and pointed out that her poems were copyrighted. The assassin got up and shot the goose in the head and asked if anyone wanted goose for dinner. (Nick Howard)

But they didn’t have anywhere to eat it because the earth was destroyed and they were all floating in space. So then they moved to Mars and had a picnic. Yum. Roast goose and fresh Martian. Martians taste like green jell-O. No wonder; because they look like it. But they felt like something was missing, so they got some carrot sticks, another Martian, and went to a BYU tailgating party. Then they went to the BYU/UofU football game and the Cougars won! For once. Then Mr. Rudelich got mad and ran around screaming and fell off the planet because the Utes lost (54-17). (Angela Berrett)

Everyone was excited that BYU had finally won. There was a worldwide party that went for a millennium. (Nick Howard)

Hooray! The end. And this time, it was. (Angela Berrett)

DUH 2*

Timon and Pumbaa were singing one day, but someone wanted pork... (Thomas Larsen)

So someone set a trap to capture Pumbaa. (Nick Howard)

No, not someone... four somebodies. The four evil, mastermind penguins from "Madagascar" were craving warthog flesh. But then, the lemur king  (Angela Berrett) was craving something too, meerkat flesh, so the five decided to work together to achieve their hungry goals. (Thomas Larsen)

So they went to work on the trap. But a listening tree heard their plans, (Nick Howard) and then a troupe of dancing onions in lurid pink tutus jumped out of the tree and surrounded the pit in an attempt to lure Pumbaa in. (Angela Berrett)

The llama king wants the cheese... (Thomas Larsen)

Since Pumbaa ate the cheese, the llama king agreed to help capture him. Suddenly, a loud noise told them that Pumbaa had fallen in the pit. They all ran over, but were overwhelmed by what I’ll call the "essence of Pumbaa" (i.e.: stink). (Angela Berrett)

A little llama cut the warthog. (Russell Graff)

And ate him with BBQ sauce. (Matt Dea)

Then the sparkle plum fairy came and ate their souls all while dancing to "We are the lollipop kids."(?)

Suddenly the sparkle plum fairy spontaneously combusted and showers of glazed donuts fell from the sky. One landed on Timon’s head. (Angela Berrett)

"The sky is falling," he said.(?)

(Narrator voice) And thus they were all squashed to mostly dead.(?)

Then Chicken Little came and said, "Hey, that’s my line! How dare you steal it! I will hurt you!" So he bit off Timon’s ear. (Natalie Berrett)

Timon meant to eat Chicken Little, but ate Sir Mister Leotard the Third (a duck) instead. Then Sir Mister Leotard the Third pecked his way out of Timon, killing Timon in the process. (Alex Berrett)

They held a triple funeral for Timon, Pumbaa, and the sparkle plum fairy (who had spontaneously combusted, so they couldn’t find her body). Everyone left alive by the day’s unfortunate events came: the four penguins, the lemur king, the dancing onions, the llama king, Chicken Little, and Sir Mister Leotard the Third. The two bodies still intact (Timon and Pumbaa) were buried beneath the Listening Tree. As the final chord of the last funeral dirge was struck, a flock of evil pink flamingos in the distance was sighted.

"The flamingos are stampeding!" yelled Sir Mister Leotard the Third. (Angela Berrett)

The flamingos were very big and very stupid. First, they ran into a tree; second, tripped on a small pile of salt; and third, ran right off the cliff and were never seen again. So now, the living creatures didn’t have to worry about them. (Natalie Berrett)

They soon found out the reason for the stampede. Three humans had appeared in the distance. Fron, Zone, and McFragmonk McJaders were on a mission to discover the meaning of bellybutton lint. (Brandon Porter)

As the people came, they shot at anything that moved. (Nick Howard)

Then the pizza spoke; it spoke angry words, and any angry people died... (Thomas Larsen)

Fortunately, nobody was angry, so nobody died. But anyway...

Meanwhile, Fron, Zone, and McFragmonk McJaders had found the meaning of lint. It was: to tell fat people to lose weight and dirty people to shower once in a while.

Then Sir Mister Leotard the Third, Chicken Little, and the penguins (Skipper, Private, Rico, and ~~) joined the JROTC (Junior Recruit Officer Training Corps) and went overseas to help with the war for world peace. (Angela Berrett)

Since they were all a Special Operations group, their missions were all classified. (Nick Howard)

Then General Bob and the Matrix dude got an army of APUs (Armored Personnel Units) and attacked the machines. And ate the speaking pizza. Everything that has a beginning has an end, Mr. Anderson. (Thomas Larsen)

Narrator: Who’s Mr. Anderson? (Angela Berrett)

Mr. Anderson is THE ONE. NEO. The dude who’s going to save everyone from "The Matrix." (Thomas Larsen)

But before Mr. Anderson could save everyone, a terrorist blew him up. (Nick Howard)

And then Jacob ate everything he saw and all the animals in the world started to run away. (Jacob Reuckert)

But he was blind, so he couldn’t see anything to eat, so he starved to death. (Nick Howard)

Then the sparkle plum fairy regenerated and did a surgical procedure on him, freeing the fairytale muffins, Shroom the rubber pancake, the hotdog man, the hotdog planet, and the cheese from the previous story! They all left to go camping on the moon and make s’mores with moon cheese. (Angela Berrett)

Then Tarzan swung in and stole the scene, leaving us with an empty set. (Thomas Larsen)

So Jacob hid under the stage and pulled the trap door on the penguin that was inspecting the scene of the crime. The penguin fell and was rushed to the hospital with a broken flipper. (Angela Berrett)

Then the mobsters came in and shot the principal, Amdor. They had a funeral and Al cried. Valim partied. (Thomas Larsen)

Suddenly Al and Valim spontaneously combusted, leaving the mobsters running free. (Angela Berrett)

The mobsters trampled Jacob and tried to take over the world, but the squirrels on the moon foiled their plans. (Nick Howard)

Flight announcer: "Oh, no! They’ve got him in the Half Nelson! Now they’ve got him in the Full Nelson! Oh, no, the dreaded OZZIE NELSON!" (Imitating Ozzie Nelson) "Frank, boys, you might wanna come see this!" (Thomas Larsen)

Then the mobsters found the announcer and destroyed all his announcing equipment. (Nick Howard)

Then everyone died. The dancing onions came back and had a war with the squirrels. (Angela Berrett)

But the announcer was really Genie from "Aladdin" so he can’t die. But he can’t bring anyone back to life, either. "It’s a nasty business; I don’t like doing it." (Thomas Larsen)

So he went on vacation to the hotdog planet and went fishing for pickles in the pickle relish. (Angela Berrett)

The war between the dancing onions and the squirrels lasted for 1,000 years. By this time they had forgotten what they were fighting about and called for a truce. (Nick Howard)

Then they united against their common enemy, Genie. They created a fleet to attack the hotdog planet. But due to a terrible miscalculation, the fleet was so tiny it was swallowed by a flying fish. But these sort of things happen all the time. (Thomas Larsen)

Of course! Take for example the tragedy of 1653, when Captain Mushroom was eaten by a giant beetle high on helium. And we can’t forget the Smurfs’ rebellion in 1811. (Angela Berrett)

Or Moby Dick. Anyway, the flying fish flew to the hotdog planet and left the onions and squirrels there. (Nick Howard)

Then Genie used his magic to send them home and restore peace and harmony to the world. Then everybody was happy and this story ended. THE END (Angela Berrett)

Characters and Places (in order of appearance)

Bert

Shroom the Rubber Pancake

Wally Wiener Schnitzel

Mr. Princess

Amy

Sally, Julie, and Po

Shrek

Donkey

Goa’uld the snakelike parasite

fat rabbit

Jacob

muffin man

Thomas Larsen

Russell

hotdog maker

hotdog planet of D3PO

flying cow of destruction

Planet X

the moon

Planet S

Planet Q

Planet P

stinky cheese man

Planet K

Looloo the Bibbadoinker

General Bob

the Matrix dude

Planet Z

Pogo the Possum

Robert the immortal pelican

Homer Simpson

Zaboomafoo

Gollum

Marvin the Martian

Mount Doom

Middle Earth

hamburger man

wolf (a.k.a.: beautiful peasant girl)

Camelot

the lord of the story

Hitler

Bilbo

dragon flying overhead

Sting the Sword

a dementor

an assassin

chicken nuggets

the dish & the spoon

the cat & the fiddle

the mouse

Mother Goose

Mars

BYU

Cougars & Utes

Mr. Rudelich

Timon

Pumbaa

the penguins

lemur king

Listening Tree

dancing onions

sparkle plum fairy

Chicken Little

Sir Mister Leotard the Third

evil pink flamingos

Fron, Zone, and McFragmonk McJaders

talking pizza

the JROTC

Mr. Anderson

a terrorist

Tarzan

mobsters

Principal Amdor

Al and Valim

the squirrels

the announcer/Ozzie Nelson

Genie

the tiny fleet

a flying fish

Captain Mushroom

giant beetle

Smurfs

Moby Dick

A Penguin's Tale

The Trumpeter's Handbook of Law

I found out about this site from someone in high school my sophomore or junior year. I've picked a random date in my junior year to post this (since most of the stuff before 2007 is totally guessing on the years anyway since I didn't have any blogs back then). The links probably don't work.

Main Page

The Trumpeter's Handbook of Law

The Trumpet Ten Commandments | The Order of Command | The Powers of the Trumpet Section Leader
The Powers of Woodwinds | The Powers of the Trumpets | The Laws of Etiquette
Auditions, Challenges, and Sectionals | Other Laws of Importance | The Powers of Drum Majors
The Powers of the Trumpeter's Handbook of Law | Glossary of Terms

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The Trumpet Ten Commandments(And A Couple Other Things)

1. Thou Shalt Have No Other Instruments Before Thy Own.
2. The Only Graven Image Thou Shall Want Shalt Be 1st Place.
3. Thou Shalt Not Use The Term “Wailing” In Vain.
4. Thou Shalt Keep Thy Trumpet Sectionals Holy And Refrain From Work Therein.
5. Honor Thy Section Leader And Thy Band Director That Thy Days May Be Long In The Bandroom.
6. Thou Shalt Not Kill (Without The Express Written Permission Of Thy Section Leader).
7. Thou Shalt Not Commit T.R.’s
8. Thou Shalt Not Attempt To Steal The Title Of “Section Leader.”
9. Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Against Thy Section Leader.
10. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Trumpet, Nor His Girlfriend, Nor His Solo And Especially Not His Mouthpiece.
11. Thou Shalt Learn To Count To Four.
12. Thou Shalt Not Suck.
13. Thou Shalt Not Be Stupid.
14. Thou Shalt Learn How To Count Rests And To Count Them Correctly.

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The Order of Command:

The events in the band are handled by an orderly and bureaucratic system of power and rule. The ranks of this chain of command are listed below. In a given section, the order of command goes from the highest chair to lowest. In this way, there shall always be a backup plan for any problems which may occur.

The Trumpet Section Leader Honorary Trumpet Section Leader Upper Band Trumpets Omnipotent Deities (Oops, already listed them!!!) Honorary Upper Band Trumpets Lower Band Trumpets Honorary Trumpets Wynton Marsalis The Canadian Brass Brass Alumni Tubas/Sousaphones Baritones/Euphoniums Trombones French Horns Honorary Brass Martians Percussion Alumni Percussion/Pit Colorguard Woodwind Alumni Saxophones Clarinets Elvis Oboes Drum Majors Flutes Piccolos

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The Powers of the Trumpet Section Leader:

1. The Trumpet Section Leader is exempt from any and all rules he/she doesn’t feel like following.
2.  
1. All persons of rank lower than Omnipotent Deities attempting to give themselves rights shall be deported to Andorra for trial and punishment.
2. All persons not reporting to Andorra shall receive the title of Honorary Woodwind for one-half-hour.
3. During Ensemble auditions, the directors shall forfeit the standard test for a promise by the Trumpet Section Leader that they have practiced their scales and can play them.
4. All music, both in concert season and marching season, shall be selected by the Trumpet Section leader.
5. The Trumpet Section Leader has the exclusive right to determine the Ensemble trumpet roster.
6.  
1. When the Trumpet Section Leader challenges a person, any challenge involving the person being challenged shall be immediately nullified.
2. In the event that a Trumpet player wishes to challenge the Section Leader for their title, they automatically lose.
7.  
1. The Trumpet Section Leader shall have the exclusive right to nominate honorary brasses.
2. The rest of the Trumpets cannot nominate honorary brasses, they can only point out that someone is a good choice for the title. Any other brass player can also do the same but it has to be suggested up through the order of command.
3. The Trumpet Section Leader shall have the exclusive right to designate honorary woodwinds in situations requiring the most extreme punishment available. (Part b. also applies to this situation except that instead of pointing out honorary brass suggestions it would be to point out someone needing to be punished with the title honorary woodwind.)
4. All votes on honorary titles shall be approved by a two-thirds majority of the trumpet section, with the Section Leader’s vote counting as nine-fifteenths.
5. If a brass player is afflicted with ‘honorary woodwind’ status, he/she shall be referred to as ‘free brass’. All other brass shall be ‘true brass’.
8. Only the Trumpet Section Leader may mix Magic Lip Rejuvenation Potion.
9. A penalty of death is always an option available to the Trumpet Section Leader.
10. ONLY the Trumpet Section Leader may in any way modify or (mis)interpret these rules. All interpretations are subject to the whim of the Trumpet Section Leader.
11. No sophomore may ever obtain the title of Trumpet Section Leader.
12. Contrary to common belief, Trumpet Section Leaders were never sophomores. Anyone who tries to state otherwise will have a similar punishment as those mentioned in rule 2 and 9.
13. The Trumpet Section Leader reserves the right to change, modify, edit, or amend these rules at any time and for any reason. All other requests for changes must be approved by the Trumpet Section Leader.

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The Powers of Woodwinds:(Yes, I do realize that the title of this section is an oxymoron.)

1.  
1. The only people with fewer rights than sophomores are woodwinds, except of course sophomore woodwinds.
2. Yes, this means that sophomore woodwinds have LESS than no rights.
2.  
1. The status of Honorary Woodwind shall revoke all privileges and rights given to the afflicted brass player(s). During this time, all true brass shall shun free brass.
2. During this time of mourning, the afflicted free brass shall not speak to a true brass unless specifically ordered to do so. Failure to comply shall result in permanent loss of brass status. The former brass must then choose their new denomination: Woodwind or Percussion.
3. Should a woodwind attempt to be cool, they shall be placed in solitary confinement until they have regained their sanity.
4.  
1. Asking a woodwind, other than those designated as honorary brass by the Trumpet Section Leader, any question requiring an intelligent answer, is illegal.
2. In an emergency, the above law shall be voided on a per case basis by written consent or vocal contract from the Trumpet Section Leader.
5. The words “loser” and “woodwind” may be used interchangeably.
6.  
1. No woodwind shall be given an unaccompanied solo greater than 5 sec. in length for any reason.
2. Should a woodwind desire a solo longer than the allotted 5 sec., he/she must be accompanied by a brass player (preferably a trumpet player).
7. Siblings of woodwinds shall have the right to band-subsidized therapy.
8. A woodwind’s four responses are: “yes, sir,” “no, sir,” “I do not know, sir,” and “no excuse, sir.”
9.  
1. Just in case a flute player tries to make themselves exempt from these laws by stating that they are not technically a ‘woodwind’:
1. For all intents and purposes of this handbook, FLUTES ARE CLASSIFIED AS WOODWINDS.
2. Woodwind laws shall be enforced upon flutes.
2. It doesn’t make sense that flutes are considered to be ‘woodwinds,’ since they don’t have any wooden components. So, in all actuality a new group should be made just for the flutes (seeing that they don’t really fit in anywhere else). Even though a new group should be made, it isn’t going to be for two reasons:
1. We wouldn’t want to confuse the woodwinds more than they already are.
2. It might cause the flutes to go through some kind of identity crisis, which would not be a pretty sight (but it sure as heck would be funny).

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The Powers of the Trumpets:

1. During tuning, the tuner shall be recalibrated so that the trumpets shall always be in tune.
2.  
1. Tempo shall be determined by neither the director nor the drum majors, but solely by the trumpets.
2. Any trumpet repeatedly playing a tempo which does not in any way relate to that of his fellow trumpets shall be awarded the Trumpet Medal of Valor to be presented at the band banquet.
3. Whenever the trumpets are playing, they are, by definition, playing melody.
4.  
1. When a trumpet player has lost all sense of rhythm and melody in a song, they shall immediately begin alternating between any first and open notes above C.
2. Should a trumpet player be unable to play notes above middle C, they shall be stripped of their horn and immediately demoted to honorary woodwind with no possibility of parole (unless this inability is a direct cause of ‘wailing’ to the point of no longer being able to play, in such case the player will be applauded).
5. All trumpet players incapable of reaching high C by the end of the marching season their junior year shall be permanently barred from the wind ensemble (unless the Trumpet Section Leader decides to grant mercy upon them).
6. No trumpet shall ever be used to create the image of ‘rustling wind.’
7. Horse whinnies may be performed only by certified personnel. (You must obtain the certification and then permission to perform whinnies from the Trumpet Section Leader).
8. All trumpet players remember, It Takes Two to Tango!!!

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The Laws of Etiquette:

1.  
1. Arrogance in the trumpet ranks is strictly forbidden.
2. This rule shall not apply to those enrolled in public schools, private schools, home-schooling, or the alumni of these schools. This law shall also be void for all males, females, aliens, animals, fungi, and most single-celled organisms.
2.  
1. When a woodwind is being criticized by a fellow trumpet player, the correct response is to choose a phrase randomly selected from the following list and repeat it at regular intervals: “Yes, I understand,” “Very insightful,” “How deep,” or “I stand awed at the deep reaching greatness of your genius” (the last phrase being the most appropriate for any situation).
2. Trying to use these phrases to ‘suck up’ to the Trumpet Section Leader is definitely NOT advised (see Powers of the Trumpet Section Leader #9).
3.  
1. Obeying the orders of a drum major is an act punishable by death.
2. The aforementioned law shall be ignored in two instances:
1. In the event of an extreme emergency. A state of emergency may only be declared by the Trumpet Section Leader.
2. If the drum major happens to be a trumpet player, and the Trumpet Section Leader bestows upon him/her the title of Honorary Trumpet Section Leader.
4.  
1. In the event that the upper parts of the band are not playing and the lower parts are, the upper band players have the right to play the lower band parts for that day.
2. There shall be no vice-versa for this rule.
5. Possession of a concealed piccolo trumpet without a permit will be considered a misdemeanor and the piccolo trumpet will be confiscated so the Trumpet Section Leader can play on it. It will be returned when the Trumpet Section Leader is through playing and doesn’t want it anymore (Yea, right. Like that’s ever going to happen, who in their right mind would give back a piccolo trumpet they’ve confiscated?).
6. The most heinous crime a trumpet player can commit is the destruction of this rule book. Anyone found guilty of such an act shall be automatically designated an honorary woodwind.
7. All players of rank equal to or higher than honorary brass shall be addressed by the first name of the person, the conjunction ‘of,’ and then the person’s instrument.
8. The Order of Command shall also be applicable in lines of all sorts. i.e. phone lines, uniform checkout lines, lines for food at socials, hot chocolate lines after competitions, bathroom lines, etc.
9. So long as the Trumpet Section Leader is able to over hear, any gossip may be made about any member of the band at any time.

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Auditions, Challenges, and Sectionals:

1.  
1. Solos during the marching season are determined by talent and ability.
2. Should more than 1 person be found to actually possess talent or ability, it shall be the final decision of the highest ranking member of the Chain of Command, present at the time, to decide the solo.
2. So that judgments may be made solely upon the directors’ current mood, no trumpeter shall be allowed to see the challenge ballots.
3. The winner of a challenge has every right to do the happy dance.
4. In the event that the trumpets hold a sectional; the participants shall make no progress. Failure to comply with this rule shall result in death by a piccolo/oboe duet.
5.  
1. All marching band sectionals shall be held in a location far away from the school, so that the trumpets may goof around as much as they please.
2. Following such sectionals, the number of points and the time involved shall be wholly distorted when reported to the director (time spent playing ‘The Trumpet Version of Taps’ or ‘Children of Sanchez’ shall be counted as double time).
6.  
1. As a refreshing change to an age old custom, challenges shall be declarable in a downward direction.
2. Anyone doing otherwise will be shot on sight (this is to protect higher trumpets from ever losing a challenge (which of course would never happen, but we don’t want to waste the energy and cause the embarrassment of a fellow brass player, so we’ve instated this law)).
7. The Trumpet Section Leader shall not be required to audition for solos. He/She shall only be required to walk into the director’s office, declare to the director that they are the best and will only end up getting the solo anyway so why waste time auditioning.
8. The very first sectional of the year shall be spent instructing new trumpets in the ‘way of the trumpet.’
9. Also, during this first sectional, new members shall be taught ‘The Trumpet Version of Taps.’
10.  
1. The trumpets must hold at least one ‘Trumpet Weenie Roast’ per year (preferably more).
2. Not only are these ‘Trumpet Weenie Roasts’ a lot of fun, but they also count as a great sectional and bonding experience (Mrs. Leyva will be very impressed when you report that you are bonding with your fellow section members!).
3. CAUTION: These ‘Trumpet Weenie Roasts’ must not be confused with sacrificial ceremonies that involve burning woodwinds. (Woodwinds and weenies can be mistaken very easily).
11. As with everything else, the sacrificing of a woodwind, as long as it is done as a trumpet section, also counts as a marvelous sectional.

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Other Laws of Importance:

1.  
1. Make no mistake about it: sophomores have no authority.
2. This rule shall be revoked for brasses, true and honorary.
2.  
1. Also, sophomores have next to no rights.
2. This and the previous law shall be voided for instances in which there is a sophomore Trumpet Section Leader (of course this can never happen, Powers of the Trumpet Section Leader #11, so you don’t need to worry about this law).
3. Sophomores still have no authority or rights.
4. Sale of the Magic Lip-Rejuvenation Potion to minors shall be strictly forbidden (unless an exception is made by the Trumpet Section Leader).
5. Mrs. Leyva’s admission of guilt on any issue shall be regarded as an omen. All persons hearing the omen shall fast from their horns for three days.
6.  
1. Any and all music submitted by students as suggestions for next year’s marching show will be immediately ruled out by the director.
2. The above mentioned rule does not stand true for music suggested by the Trumpet Section Leader.
7.  
1. In the event that pictures are taken after a marching competition (which they usually are), the successful completion of these pictures (without anyone smiling) shall be considered an omen, and all trumpet players shall immediately sacrifice a goat.
2. Should a goat be unavailable, a woodwind may be substituted.
8. No law may be passed which in any way restricts, prohibits, or taxes relationships with the opposite gender.
9. "The wheel it turns, it moves around. It makes an ancient rumbly sound." -Dave Boothe

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The Powers of Drum Majors:(Yes, I do realize that this is another oxymoron.)

1.  
1. All qualified drum majors shall be exempt from woodwind laws.
2. In order to qualify, a drum major must be one of the following:
1. A former brass player.
2. Deemed worthy by the Trumpet Section Leader (a declaration of worthiness may come to those who did not previously play a brass instrument, but it will be much harder (Hint: See The Powers of Drum Majors #3a)).
2.  
1. In all actuality, drum majors possess no actual power.
2. Trumpeters shall do what is necessary to make the drum majors believe that they have power (this shall be done without breaking The Laws of Etiquette #3a), because we wouldn’t want to crush their fragile egos and because that’s just the kind of sensitive people we are.
3.  
1. Drum majors who made the mistake of choosing a woodwind instrument and are now afflicted by the woodwind laws must bring tithes of Altoids and Five Buck Root Beer to the Trumpet Section Leader (large quantities of small unmarked bills are also accepted, but must be carried and delivered in a reinforced, solid steel, and fireproof container). For diligence in tithes, the Trumpet Section Leader may grant some sort of mercy upon the afflicted drum major for their mistake in instrument selection.
2. Also, drum majors not under the affliction of the woodwind laws who bring tithes to the Trumpet Section Leader will be given the title of “honorary trumpet” (if they didn’t already play the trumpet) and receive the benefits that go along with the title.
3. These collected tithes shall be distributed among the ranks of the trumpet section as dictated by the Trumpet Section Leader.
4.  
1. The only duty of some significance that the drum majors perform is that of receiving awards after marching competitions.
2. Because the drum majors are receiving the award in behalf of the band, they are actually representing the Trumpet Section Leader (who is the leader of the band as the Chain of Command so effectively shows). The Trumpet Section Leader doesn’t perform this duty for themself because of the ever present risk of assassination.
3. So, the drum majors actually don’t do anything of significance because they are always representing the Trumpet Section Leader.

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The Powers of the Trumpeter’s Handbook of Law:

1. The Trumpeter’s Handbook is all powerful.
2.  
1. At the conclusion of the Trumpet Section Leader’s senior year (a time in which all fellow trumpeters shall mourn for their leader), during the pass down portion of the band banquet, this handbook, or a copy thereof, must be willed to the trumpet deemed most capable of continuing the trumpet’s reign of power. This person must never have been afflicted with the status of honorary woodwind, nor may they be currently afflicted with such a status. This person need not be to highest chair, but is usually the section leader.
2. In fact it has to be handed down to the new section leader!
3. If items are not passed to the new section leader at the band banquet, then a separate ceremony of the trumpets shall be held in order to make the pass down official.
3.  
1. NO Trumpeter’s Handbook law may be modified or ignored.
2. NO new Trumpeter’s Handbook laws may be created.
3. NO Trumpeter’s Handbook law may be removed.
4. This rule VOIDS all other rules conflicting with it. (Except for Powers of the Trumpet Section Leader #1 and The Powers of the Trumpeter’s Handbook of Law #4).
5. In the event of conflict or question, the Trumpeter’s Handbook rules shall always take precedence.
4. Again, ONLY the Trumpet Section Leader may in any way modify, edit, or (mis)interpret the Trumpeter’s Handbook of Law.
5. Any contradictions made in this hand book are done intentionally and should never be corrected!
6. Should this handbook ever be damaged beyond repair or be replaced by a newer edition of the handbook, the old or damaged handbook shall be:
1. Recopied, in the instance of a damaged book, so as to never lose these inspired words.
2. A special ceremony will be held, with as many trumpets as can come, in which the old book is slowly removed page by page and burned in an open fire. (Should a woodwind be responsible for the damage done to the book, they shall also be burned if at all possible. If not possible, then a few marshmallows and weenies will be used instead (mainly because they can be eaten after being slightly toasted)!). (This can count as a great sectional)!
3. The new handbook shall then be presented before the gathered trumpets by the Trumpet Section Leader.

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Glossary of Terms:

American Fork Marching Band:

West Jordan’s second biggest rival (see LAFAYETTE MARCHING BAND).

Andorra:

A lovely little country that is so confused it’s citizens don’t know whether they are Spanish or French and so they pay taxes to both countries.

Arrogance:

The result of a trumpet’s ego.

Blasphemy:

Anyone who is not a Trumpet Section Leader, but calls themselves one, or a woodwind attempting to be cool.

Brownie Points:

The main requirement to become Drum Major.

Caffeine:

One of the main ingredients in the MLRP.

Challenge:

An excellent way of driving a section apart (so challenge wisely).

Davis Marching Band:

Crazy people from the north who like to dress like Zena the Warrior Princess when it’s 25° outside!!!

Director:

A kind, wonderful person who’s most likely making your grades up as you read this.

Drill Sheets:

Little pieces of paper that you always end up losing (no matter how careful you are with them), and that make you feel bad because you have to go ask Mrs. Leyva for more copies.

Drum Major:

Those who demand power, but never receive it - extremely low on the Order of Command.

Ego:

A wonderful quality possessed by trumpets in extreme amounts. (Some reaching the size of a small country).

Fair:

A standard and equal method of determining merit based solely upon the number of brownie points held by a person at the time of the ‘fair’ decision.

Gingerbread House:

Always made during the December Social. Even though they’re supposed to be made from ‘gingerbread,’ they’re a lot more fun to make with day old hostess cakes and twinkies (this way you can also dedicate the twinkie tower to all those trumpet players who have made similar towers over the years).

Goats:

Creatures that were unfortunately given a back lot in life and are mainly used as sacrificial animals. They make perfect replacements for woodwinds when a woodwind cannot be found (or vice versa).

Helium:

Also know as ‘Happy Gas.’ Possesses the incredible ability of making you play about 237 cents sharp.

Honorary Brass:

A woodwind or drum major deemed by the Trumpet Section Leader to be almost as cool as a brass player, but not quite.

Honorary Woodwind:

Brass players having committed a crime so heinous that they have been reduced to the ranks of the woodwinds.

Jazz:

A kick-butt style of music that every trumpet should experience.

Kenny G:

A ‘musician’ who thinks he can play jazz, but really can’t.

Lafayette Marching Band:

West Jordan’s true biggest rival (although nobody actually really knows this because we’ve never met anyone from the Lafayette Band and have never seen any of their shows. I’m sure they could say the same about us, too).

Latin:

A language used by directors to ensure that nobody will receive an ‘A’ on the final, and used in music to thoroughly confuse the players as to what to do.

Loser:

Woodwind.

Magic Lip Rejuvenation Potion:

A secretly formulated drink, (the recipe passed down through and known only to the Trumpet Section leaders) capable of restoring trumpet playing ability following even the most extreme punishment. Available only through the Trumpet Section Leader, it is considered a prescription drug.

MLRP:

An acronym for Magic Lip Rejuvenation Potion.

Mrs. Leyva:

Quite possibly the greatest band director to ever walk the earth.

Order of Command:

A simple, straightforward list showing who’s important and who’s not.

Practice:

An alibi.

Rights:

Privileges given only to brass and percussion.

Saxophone:

The demon spawn of an oboe and a clarinet.

Sectional:

An incredibly effective method of getting nothing done.

Solo:

Bragging Rights!

Sophomore:

Victim!

Soprano Sax:

Annoying.

The Canadian Brass:

Some ‘hosers’ from the ‘Great White North’ who can really wail!

The Trumpeter’s Handbook of Law:

A wonderful guide that explains the politics of the band, and gives instruction to those in need (regarded by some to be inspired text).

The ‘Way of The Trumpet’:

Actually there is no mysterious ‘way of the trumpet.’ The only thing that truly defines a trumpet player is his/her ego (and wonderful skill, musicianship, brilliance, superiority.........).

Trumpet Version of Taps:

A beautiful, moving piece of music that Trumpeter’s love to play because of the emotional impact made and response given by audience (mostly screaming and pleas to stop).

Trumpeter:

An incredibly gifted individual possessing superior intelligence (displayed by their choice of instrument), who is proud to be part of the section that is the heart of the band.

Trumpet Section Leader:

An ordinary, everyday mortal with powers and talents on loan from heaven.

Weenie:

The Sweet Sustenance of Trumpet Section Leaders. (Also, slang for a woodwind).

Woodwind:

Loser. (Slang: Weenie)

Wynton Marsalis:

A really good trumpet player!