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The Trumpeter's Handbook of Law
The Trumpet Ten Commandments | The Order of Command | The Powers of the Trumpet Section Leader
The Powers of Woodwinds | The Powers of the Trumpets | The Laws of Etiquette
Auditions, Challenges, and Sectionals | Other Laws of Importance | The Powers of Drum Majors
The Powers of the Trumpeter's Handbook of Law | Glossary of Terms
The Trumpeter's Handbook of Law
The Trumpet Ten Commandments | The Order of Command | The Powers of the Trumpet Section Leader
The Powers of Woodwinds | The Powers of the Trumpets | The Laws of Etiquette
Auditions, Challenges, and Sectionals | Other Laws of Importance | The Powers of Drum Majors
The Powers of the Trumpeter's Handbook of Law | Glossary of Terms
- Thou Shalt Have No Other Instruments Before Thy Own.
- The Only Graven Image Thou Shall Want Shalt Be 1st
Place.
- Thou Shalt Not Use The Term “Wailing” In Vain.
- Thou Shalt Keep Thy Trumpet Sectionals Holy And Refrain
From Work Therein.
- Honor Thy Section Leader And Thy Band Director That Thy
Days May Be Long In The Bandroom.
- Thou Shalt Not Kill (Without The Express Written
Permission Of Thy Section Leader).
- Thou Shalt Not Commit T.R.’s
- Thou Shalt Not Attempt To Steal The Title Of “Section
Leader.”
- Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Against Thy Section
Leader.
- Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Trumpet, Nor His
Girlfriend, Nor His Solo And Especially Not His Mouthpiece.
- Thou Shalt Learn To Count To Four.
- Thou Shalt Not Suck.
- Thou Shalt Not Be Stupid.
- Thou Shalt Learn How To Count Rests And To Count Them
Correctly.
The
events in the band are handled by an orderly and bureaucratic system of power
and rule. The ranks of this chain of command are listed below. In a given
section, the order of command goes from the highest chair to lowest. In this
way, there shall always be a backup plan for any problems which may occur.
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- The Trumpet Section Leader is exempt from any and all
rules he/she doesn’t feel like following.
- All persons of rank lower than Omnipotent Deities
attempting to give themselves rights shall be deported to Andorra for
trial and punishment.
- All persons not reporting to Andorra shall receive the
title of Honorary Woodwind for one-half-hour.
- During Ensemble auditions, the directors shall forfeit
the standard test for a promise by the Trumpet Section Leader that they
have practiced their scales and can play them.
- All music, both in concert season and marching season,
shall be selected by the Trumpet Section leader.
- The Trumpet Section Leader has the exclusive right to
determine the Ensemble trumpet roster.
- When the Trumpet Section Leader challenges a person,
any challenge involving the person being challenged shall be immediately
nullified.
- In the event that a Trumpet player wishes to challenge
the Section Leader for their title, they automatically lose.
- The Trumpet Section Leader shall have the exclusive
right to nominate honorary brasses.
- The rest of the Trumpets cannot nominate honorary
brasses, they can only point out that someone is a good choice for the
title. Any other brass player can also do the same but it has to be
suggested up through the order of command.
- The Trumpet Section Leader shall have the exclusive
right to designate honorary woodwinds in situations requiring the most
extreme punishment available. (Part b. also applies to this situation
except that instead of pointing out honorary brass suggestions it would
be to point out someone needing to be punished with the title honorary
woodwind.)
- All votes on honorary titles shall be approved by a
two-thirds majority of the trumpet section, with the Section Leader’s
vote counting as nine-fifteenths.
- If a brass player is afflicted with ‘honorary
woodwind’ status, he/she shall be referred to as ‘free brass’. All other
brass shall be ‘true brass’.
- Only the Trumpet Section Leader may mix Magic Lip
Rejuvenation Potion.
- A penalty of death is always an option available to the
Trumpet Section Leader.
- ONLY the Trumpet Section Leader may in any way modify
or (mis)interpret these rules. All interpretations are subject to the whim
of the Trumpet Section Leader.
- No sophomore may ever obtain the title of Trumpet
Section Leader.
- Contrary to common belief, Trumpet Section Leaders were
never sophomores. Anyone who tries to state otherwise will have a similar
punishment as those mentioned in rule 2 and 9.
- The Trumpet Section Leader reserves the right to
change, modify, edit, or amend these rules at any time and for any reason.
All other requests for changes must be approved by the Trumpet Section
Leader.
- The only people with fewer rights than sophomores are
woodwinds, except of course sophomore woodwinds.
- Yes, this means that sophomore woodwinds have LESS
than no rights.
- The status of Honorary Woodwind shall revoke all
privileges and rights given to the afflicted brass player(s). During this
time, all true brass shall shun free brass.
- During this time of mourning, the afflicted free brass
shall not speak to a true brass unless specifically ordered to do so.
Failure to comply shall result in permanent loss of brass status. The
former brass must then choose their new denomination: Woodwind or
Percussion.
- Should a woodwind attempt to be cool, they shall be
placed in solitary confinement until they have regained their sanity.
- Asking a woodwind, other than those designated as
honorary brass by the Trumpet Section Leader, any question requiring an
intelligent answer, is illegal.
- In an emergency, the above law shall be voided on a
per case basis by written consent or vocal contract from the Trumpet
Section Leader.
- The words “loser” and “woodwind” may be used
interchangeably.
- No woodwind shall be given an unaccompanied solo
greater than 5 sec. in length for any reason.
- Should a woodwind desire a solo longer than the
allotted 5 sec., he/she must be accompanied by a brass player (preferably
a trumpet player).
- Siblings of woodwinds shall have the right to band-subsidized
therapy.
- A woodwind’s four responses are: “yes, sir,” “no, sir,”
“I do not know, sir,” and “no excuse, sir.”
- Just in case a flute player tries to make themselves
exempt from these laws by stating that they are not technically a
‘woodwind’:
- For all intents and purposes of this handbook, FLUTES
ARE CLASSIFIED AS WOODWINDS.
- Woodwind laws shall be enforced upon flutes.
- It doesn’t make sense that flutes are considered to be
‘woodwinds,’ since they don’t have any wooden components. So, in all actuality
a new group should be made just for the flutes (seeing that they don’t
really fit in anywhere else). Even though a new group should be made, it
isn’t going to be for two reasons:
- We wouldn’t want to confuse the woodwinds more than
they already are.
- It might cause the flutes to go through some kind of
identity crisis, which would not be a pretty sight (but it sure as heck
would be funny).
- During tuning, the tuner shall be recalibrated so that
the trumpets shall always be in tune.
- Tempo shall be determined by neither the director nor
the drum majors, but solely by the trumpets.
- Any trumpet repeatedly playing a tempo which does not
in any way relate to that of his fellow trumpets shall be awarded the
Trumpet Medal of Valor to be presented at the band banquet.
- Whenever the trumpets are playing, they are, by
definition, playing melody.
- When a trumpet player has lost all sense of rhythm and
melody in a song, they shall immediately begin alternating between any
first and open notes above C.
- Should a trumpet player be unable to play notes above
middle C, they shall be stripped of their horn and immediately demoted to
honorary woodwind with no possibility of parole (unless this inability is
a direct cause of ‘wailing’ to the point of no longer being able to play,
in such case the player will be applauded).
- All trumpet players incapable of reaching high C by the
end of the marching season their junior year shall be permanently barred
from the wind ensemble (unless the Trumpet Section Leader decides to grant
mercy upon them).
- No trumpet shall ever be used to create the image of
‘rustling wind.’
- Horse whinnies may be performed only by certified personnel.
(You must obtain the certification and then permission to perform whinnies
from the Trumpet Section Leader).
- All trumpet players remember, It Takes Two to Tango!!!
- Arrogance in the trumpet ranks is strictly forbidden.
- This rule shall not apply to those enrolled in public
schools, private schools, home-schooling, or the alumni of these schools.
This law shall also be void for all males, females, aliens, animals,
fungi, and most single-celled organisms.
- When a woodwind is being criticized by a fellow
trumpet player, the correct response is to choose a phrase randomly
selected from the following list and repeat it at regular intervals:
“Yes, I understand,” “Very insightful,” “How deep,” or “I stand awed at
the deep reaching greatness of your genius” (the last phrase being the
most appropriate for any situation).
- Trying to use these phrases to ‘suck up’ to the
Trumpet Section Leader is definitely NOT advised (see Powers of the
Trumpet Section Leader #9).
- Obeying the orders of a drum major is an act
punishable by death.
- The aforementioned law shall be ignored in two
instances:
- In the event of an extreme emergency. A state of
emergency may only be declared by the Trumpet Section Leader.
- If the drum major happens to be a trumpet player, and
the Trumpet Section Leader bestows upon him/her the title of Honorary
Trumpet Section Leader.
- In the event that the upper parts of the band are not
playing and the lower parts are, the upper band players have the right to
play the lower band parts for that day.
- There shall be no vice-versa for this rule.
- Possession of a concealed piccolo trumpet without a
permit will be considered a misdemeanor and the piccolo trumpet will be
confiscated so the Trumpet Section Leader can play on it. It will be
returned when the Trumpet Section Leader is through playing and doesn’t
want it anymore (Yea, right. Like that’s ever going to happen, who in
their right mind would give back a piccolo trumpet they’ve confiscated?).
- The most heinous crime a trumpet player can commit is
the destruction of this rule book. Anyone found guilty of such an act
shall be automatically designated an honorary woodwind.
- All players of rank equal to or higher than honorary
brass shall be addressed by the first name of the person, the conjunction
‘of,’ and then the person’s instrument.
- The Order of Command shall also be applicable in lines
of all sorts. i.e. phone lines, uniform checkout lines, lines for food at
socials, hot chocolate lines after competitions, bathroom lines, etc.
- So long as the Trumpet Section Leader is able to over
hear, any gossip may be made about any member of the band at any time.
- Solos during the marching season are determined by
talent and ability.
- Should more than 1 person be found to actually possess
talent or ability, it shall be the final decision of the highest ranking
member of the Chain of Command, present at the time, to decide the solo.
- So that judgments may be made solely upon the
directors’ current mood, no trumpeter shall be allowed to see the challenge
ballots.
- The winner of a challenge has every right to do the
happy dance.
- In the event that the trumpets hold a sectional; the
participants shall make no progress. Failure to comply with this rule
shall result in death by a piccolo/oboe duet.
- All marching band sectionals shall be held in a
location far away from the school, so that the trumpets may goof around
as much as they please.
- Following such sectionals, the number of points and
the time involved shall be wholly distorted when reported to the director
(time spent playing ‘The Trumpet Version of Taps’ or ‘Children of
Sanchez’ shall be counted as double time).
- As a refreshing change to an age old custom,
challenges shall be declarable in a downward direction.
- Anyone doing otherwise will be shot on sight (this is
to protect higher trumpets from ever losing a challenge (which of course
would never happen, but we don’t want to waste the energy and cause the
embarrassment of a fellow brass player, so we’ve instated this law)).
- The Trumpet Section Leader shall not be required to
audition for solos. He/She shall only be required to walk into the
director’s office, declare to the director that they are the best and will
only end up getting the solo anyway so why waste time auditioning.
- The very first sectional of the year shall be spent
instructing new trumpets in the ‘way of the trumpet.’
- Also, during this first sectional, new members shall be
taught ‘The Trumpet Version of Taps.’
- The trumpets must hold at least one ‘Trumpet Weenie
Roast’ per year (preferably more).
- Not only are these ‘Trumpet Weenie Roasts’ a lot of
fun, but they also count as a great sectional and bonding experience
(Mrs. Leyva will be very impressed when you report that you are bonding
with your fellow section members!).
- CAUTION: These ‘Trumpet Weenie Roasts’ must not be
confused with sacrificial ceremonies that involve burning woodwinds.
(Woodwinds and weenies can be mistaken very easily).
- As with everything else, the sacrificing of a woodwind,
as long as it is done as a trumpet section, also counts as a marvelous
sectional.
- Make no mistake about it: sophomores have no
authority.
- This rule shall be revoked for brasses, true and
honorary.
- Also, sophomores have next to no rights.
- This and the previous law shall be voided for
instances in which there is a sophomore Trumpet Section Leader (of course
this can never happen, Powers of the Trumpet Section Leader #11, so you
don’t need to worry about this law).
- Sophomores still have no authority or rights.
- Sale of the Magic Lip-Rejuvenation Potion to minors
shall be strictly forbidden (unless an exception is made by the Trumpet
Section Leader).
- Mrs. Leyva’s admission of guilt on any issue shall be
regarded as an omen. All persons hearing the omen shall fast from their
horns for three days.
- Any and all music submitted by students as suggestions
for next year’s marching show will be immediately ruled out by the
director.
- The above mentioned rule does not stand true for music
suggested by the Trumpet Section Leader.
- In the event that pictures are taken after a marching
competition (which they usually are), the successful completion of these
pictures (without anyone smiling) shall be considered an omen, and all
trumpet players shall immediately sacrifice a goat.
- Should a goat be unavailable, a woodwind may be
substituted.
- No law may be passed which in any way restricts,
prohibits, or taxes relationships with the opposite gender.
- "The wheel it turns, it moves around. It makes an
ancient rumbly sound." -Dave Boothe
- All qualified drum majors shall be exempt from
woodwind laws.
- In order to qualify, a drum major must be one of the
following:
- A former brass player.
- Deemed worthy by the Trumpet Section Leader (a
declaration of worthiness may come to those who did not previously play
a brass instrument, but it will be much harder (Hint: See The Powers of
Drum Majors #3a)).
- In all actuality, drum majors possess no actual power.
- Trumpeters shall do what is necessary to make the drum
majors believe that they have power (this shall be done without breaking
The Laws of Etiquette #3a), because we wouldn’t want to crush their
fragile egos and because that’s just the kind of sensitive people we are.
- Drum majors who made the mistake of choosing a
woodwind instrument and are now afflicted by the woodwind laws must bring
tithes of Altoids and Five Buck Root Beer to the Trumpet Section Leader
(large quantities of small unmarked bills are also accepted, but must be
carried and delivered in a reinforced, solid steel, and fireproof
container). For diligence in tithes, the Trumpet Section Leader may grant
some sort of mercy upon the afflicted drum major for their mistake in
instrument selection.
- Also, drum majors not under the affliction of the
woodwind laws who bring tithes to the Trumpet Section Leader will be
given the title of “honorary trumpet” (if they didn’t already play the
trumpet) and receive the benefits that go along with the title.
- These collected tithes shall be distributed among the
ranks of the trumpet section as dictated by the Trumpet Section Leader.
- The only duty of some significance that the drum
majors perform is that of receiving awards after marching competitions.
- Because the drum majors are receiving the award in
behalf of the band, they are actually representing the Trumpet Section
Leader (who is the leader of the band as the Chain of Command so
effectively shows). The Trumpet Section Leader doesn’t perform this duty
for themself because of the ever present risk of assassination.
- So, the drum majors actually don’t do anything of
significance because they are always representing the Trumpet Section
Leader.
- The Trumpeter’s Handbook is all powerful.
- At the conclusion of the Trumpet Section Leader’s
senior year (a time in which all fellow trumpeters shall mourn for their
leader), during the pass down portion of the band banquet, this handbook,
or a copy thereof, must be willed to the trumpet deemed most capable of
continuing the trumpet’s reign of power. This person must never have been
afflicted with the status of honorary woodwind, nor may they be currently
afflicted with such a status. This person need not be to highest chair,
but is usually the section leader.
- In fact it has to be handed down to the new section
leader!
- If items are not passed to the new section leader at
the band banquet, then a separate ceremony of the trumpets shall be held
in order to make the pass down official.
- NO Trumpeter’s Handbook law may be modified or
ignored.
- NO new Trumpeter’s Handbook laws may be created.
- NO Trumpeter’s Handbook law may be removed.
- This rule VOIDS all other rules conflicting with it.
(Except for Powers of the Trumpet Section Leader #1 and The Powers of the
Trumpeter’s Handbook of Law #4).
- In the event of conflict or question, the Trumpeter’s
Handbook rules shall always take precedence.
- Again, ONLY the Trumpet Section Leader may in any way
modify, edit, or (mis)interpret the Trumpeter’s Handbook of Law.
- Any contradictions made in this hand book are done
intentionally and should never be corrected!
- Should this handbook ever be damaged beyond repair or
be replaced by a newer edition of the handbook, the old or damaged
handbook shall be:
- Recopied, in the instance of a damaged book, so as to
never lose these inspired words.
- A special ceremony will be held, with as many trumpets
as can come, in which the old book is slowly removed page by page and
burned in an open fire. (Should a woodwind be responsible for the damage
done to the book, they shall also be burned if at all possible. If not
possible, then a few marshmallows and weenies will be used instead
(mainly because they can be eaten after being slightly toasted)!). (This
can count as a great sectional)!
- The new handbook shall then be presented before the
gathered trumpets by the Trumpet Section Leader.
American Fork Marching Band:
West Jordan’s second biggest rival (see LAFAYETTE MARCHING
BAND).
Andorra:
A lovely little country that is so confused it’s citizens
don’t know whether they are Spanish or French and so they pay taxes to both
countries.
Arrogance:
The result of a trumpet’s ego.
Blasphemy:
Anyone who is not a Trumpet Section Leader, but calls themselves
one, or a woodwind attempting to be cool.
Brownie Points:
The main requirement to become Drum Major.
Caffeine:
One of the main ingredients in the MLRP.
Challenge:
An excellent way of driving a section apart (so challenge
wisely).
Davis Marching Band:
Crazy people from the north who like to dress like Zena the
Warrior Princess when it’s 25° outside!!!
Director:
A kind, wonderful person who’s most likely making your
grades up as you read this.
Drill Sheets:
Little pieces of paper that you always end up losing (no
matter how careful you are with them), and that make you feel bad because you
have to go ask Mrs. Leyva for more copies.
Drum Major:
Those who demand power, but never receive it - extremely low
on the Order of Command.
Ego:
A wonderful quality possessed by trumpets in extreme
amounts. (Some reaching the size of a small country).
Fair:
A standard and equal method of determining merit based
solely upon the number of brownie points held by a person at the time of the
‘fair’ decision.
Gingerbread House:
Always made during the December Social. Even though they’re
supposed to be made from ‘gingerbread,’ they’re a lot more fun to make with day
old hostess cakes and twinkies (this way you can also dedicate the twinkie
tower to all those trumpet players who have made similar towers over the
years).
Goats:
Creatures that were unfortunately given a back lot in life
and are mainly used as sacrificial animals. They make perfect replacements for
woodwinds when a woodwind cannot be found (or vice versa).
Helium:
Also know as ‘Happy Gas.’ Possesses the incredible ability
of making you play about 237 cents sharp.
Honorary Brass:
A woodwind or drum major deemed by the Trumpet Section
Leader to be almost as cool as a brass player, but not quite.
Honorary Woodwind:
Brass players having committed a crime so heinous that they
have been reduced to the ranks of the woodwinds.
Jazz:
A kick-butt style of music that every trumpet should
experience.
Kenny G:
A ‘musician’ who thinks he can play jazz, but really can’t.
Lafayette Marching Band:
West Jordan’s true biggest rival (although nobody actually
really knows this because we’ve never met anyone from the Lafayette Band and
have never seen any of their shows. I’m sure they could say the same about us,
too).
Latin:
A language used by directors to ensure that nobody will
receive an ‘A’ on the final, and used in music to thoroughly confuse the
players as to what to do.
Loser:
Woodwind.
Magic Lip Rejuvenation Potion:
A secretly formulated drink, (the recipe passed down through
and known only to the Trumpet Section leaders) capable of restoring trumpet
playing ability following even the most extreme punishment. Available only
through the Trumpet Section Leader, it is considered a prescription drug.
MLRP:
An acronym for Magic Lip Rejuvenation Potion.
Mrs. Leyva:
Quite possibly the greatest band director to ever walk the
earth.
Order of Command:
A simple, straightforward list showing who’s important and
who’s not.
Practice:
An alibi.
Rights:
Privileges given only to brass and percussion.
Saxophone:
The demon spawn of an oboe and a clarinet.
Sectional:
An incredibly effective method of getting nothing done.
Solo:
Bragging Rights!
Sophomore:
Victim!
Soprano Sax:
Annoying.
The Canadian Brass:
Some ‘hosers’ from the ‘Great White North’ who can really
wail!
The Trumpeter’s Handbook of Law:
A wonderful guide that explains the politics of the band,
and gives instruction to those in need (regarded by some to be inspired text).
The ‘Way of The Trumpet’:
Actually there is no mysterious ‘way of the trumpet.’ The
only thing that truly defines a trumpet player is his/her ego (and wonderful
skill, musicianship, brilliance, superiority.........).
Trumpet Version of Taps:
A beautiful, moving piece of music that Trumpeter’s love to
play because of the emotional impact made and response given by audience
(mostly screaming and pleas to stop).
Trumpeter:
An incredibly gifted individual possessing superior
intelligence (displayed by their choice of instrument), who is proud to be part
of the section that is the heart of the band.
Trumpet Section Leader:
An ordinary, everyday mortal with powers and talents on loan
from heaven.
Weenie:
The Sweet Sustenance of Trumpet Section Leaders. (Also,
slang for a woodwind).
Woodwind:
Loser. (Slang: Weenie)
Wynton Marsalis:
A really good trumpet player!
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