Divorce Agreement

Divorce Agreement
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.


Sincerely,

John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.

On Flushing - Letter to the Editor

To our well-mannered fellow students, we congratulate you. It has come to our attention that it is possible for a person to become so advanced in their knowledge and intent on furthering it they can neglect or even forget the basics upon which their field of study is established.

We suppose that some people become so loaded with stress and the responsibilities of college life that they forget the very fundamentals taught at home when they were three years old. Though it is a simple task that most students do without thinking, the current trend of not flushing the toilet is becoming so popular that we are beginning to wonder if it is a new fad!

To help combat this problem, we propose that BYU offer a mandatory class entitled “Basic Restroom 101.” In it, students (and faculty) would learn there is more than one way to flush a toilet; there are four. Pull the handle up, push it down, rotate it until it flushes, or use your foot. Girls would learn that anything soiled with blood, a biohazardous substance, should be disposed of in the white boxes provided in every stall. Upper division courses and private tutoring will be made available for those who express interest or exhibit apparent need.

Cordially, your fellow students and custodians,

Angela Berrett and Scott Blanch

Quote Wall - Fall 2009 Norma's #3

Previously published as a Facebook note.
In order of most to least quotes:
Jessica
Doesn't he just look like he's on CRACK?
Just because I'm small doesn't mean I can't appreciate a dead cow on a plate.
I'm just not feeling intrinsically wisdomish.
It's assumed teenagers have brains, but that they're dormant.
I feel bad profiting off all your hard work, but I'll still do it, with a song in my heart.
I'm not supposed to be same - I'm female.
It's dangerous to be a closet leaper - shin injuries.
SEMI-bread of life - otherwise it would be blasphemous, and we can't have that.
Now I have an un-Christmas card list, and she's on THAT.
Why do we have to have them doing it in our kitchen?
Little aliens come with squirt hoses.
We have to put on a man-strut song.
In the resurrection when I'm not allergic anymore I'm playing with cats every single day.
Haven't you ever wanted to butter a sparrow?
I have my own dead cow! Ha!
Steve (Angela's boyfriend)
It could just be that I haven't spent so much time so close to other people's stomachs.
Jessica, do goldfish reproduce sexually or do they spawn?
I have nothing against the manly leap. I do it myself sometimes when nobody's watching.
Color pwn!
High heaven must be a stinky place, 'cuz everything stinks to it.
That's how the French say 'Merry Christmas.' They build people stuff.
Santa pwn!
There's two rules you have to follow: you don't cup, and you don't rub.
I can pretend there's pretend meat.
Julie
I feel sort of Asian right now 'cuz I have a square bowl.
I have those [munchies] every day. I think I'm a crack addict in my sleep, or something.
My life is complete!
I just wanna be Black because then I can tell people what I think and not get beat down for it.
Kirsten
I'm not a fan of sleeping with mosquitoes. I'm saving myself for someone.
I'm not sure how I feel about this... you just hatched a spoon.
Question mark?
Angela
What kind of church do YOU have?
I need to go sell my body. Julie should come too.
I can make octopus faces! If octopuses had faces, that's what they'd look like!
Becca (Julie's friend)
If you have a brain, it has to be intelligent.
Julie and I are never going to get married. We're going to move to Italy and get lots of purses.
Shaun (Kirsten's fiance, now husband)
Makes sense - they're both brains.
Hilary (Jessica's friend)
No one in this movie has a tan - not even the Black guy.
Two-person quotes:
"That's racial profiling!" - Steve "They're freaking pickles!" - Angela
"It would be like having a period that never ends." - Steve "FML." - goldfish
"They're trying to make one!" - Kirsten "They can't make it that way!" - Angela

In our relationship

Some good questions that'll provide opportunity for a thoughtful conversation with your significant other.

1. I feel loved when you…
2. I feel appreciated when you…
3. I am happiest when…
4. I am the saddest when…
5. I am angriest when…
6. I would like more…
7. I would like less…
8. I feel awkward when…
9. I feel uneasy when…
10. I feel excited when…
11. I feel close to you when…
12. I feel distant from you when…
13. I feel most afraid when…
14. My greatest concern/fear for us is…
15. What I like most about myself is…
16. What I dislike most about myself is…
17. The feelings I have the most difficulty sharing are…
18. The feelings I can share most easily with you are…
19. Our relationship could be greatly improved with just a little effort if we…
20. The one thing that needs the most immediate attention is…
21. The best thing is…

Funny situations

“Find Humor in Everyday Situations, Speaker Urges” by Cerisa Urry, on Barbara Barrington Jones

Jones told a story of a time when President Spencer W. Kimball was kneeling by his desk to pray. As he was on his knees a person walked in and found he was laughing; he then excused himself for interrupting and President Kimball replied, “Oh don’t bother, I just told Heavenly Father a joke.”

Why I'm Awesome

I did this for a job application, and it helps to perk my mood too!

I am a hard worker. I am dedicated to the task I am expected to do and do a very thorough job with whatever I’m assigned. I pay great attention to detail because I want to do well. I know how to keep things well organized and tidy so that I can be more efficient and productive. I am always willing to learn more and help others.
I am a fast hands-on learner with a good memory. I take direction from supervisors well and am not afraid to ask for help if I need it. As it pertains to leadership, unless I really know what I’m doing and don’t have too much expected of me all at once, if I must lead I prefer to be in a leadership position either under or with another person so we can help each other out. I enjoy working with people but I also enjoy working alone.
I am a very friendly, nice person and enjoy interacting with others in teamwork or customer service situations, among others. I love doing service for others; it is a priority of mine to make sure others are well taken care of and happy. If the situation allows, I will go out of my way to help someone with a project, whether big or small with no thought of repayment. People value my friendship and giving nature and I have been complimented on this many times.
I can have fun in any situation and am usually a very optimistic and happy person. If someone is not having a good day, I do my best to help lighten their mood; even if I am having a bad day I make sure to pretend I’m not and still try to cheer them up so that we can both feel better and be more productive. I try to always be the one that people can go to if they need anything; a task completed, someone to talk to, someone to cheer them up, etc.
I always stick to my principles and stand up for what I believe in. I will defend others if they are not being respected or treated fairly in whatever way is appropriate for the situation; standing up and putting in a good word for them, offering advice on how to approach a situation (if they have told me about another circumstance), or just being someone that will listen when people want to talk about their frustrations/stressors. I can usually tell what people are in the mood for; when people want someone to just listen or someone to give suggestions or advice, for example.

Parenting and Media

“Professor Gives Tips on Protecting Children in the Digital Age” by Michael Edwards, on Professor Charles Knutson, BYU Computer Science dept.

Completely cutting off a child from interaction with technology and the internet, Knutson said, should be avoided because it would rob the child of the chance to learn to limit themselves in the safety of the home.
“If you pull the plug you forfeit the opportunity for the child to make the mistakes they’re going to make in a protected environment,” he said.
Knutson then went on to talk about various parenting styles and their inherent strengths and weaknesses.
First, he discussed authoritarian parenting, which is parenting with a great deal of external control. He said the weakness of this type of parenting is it doesn’t allow kids the chance to make their own decisions or prepare them for temptations they will encounter once they leave the home.
Next, he talked about permissive parenting, which essentially involves no external control – because the parents think that is best, or because they’re simply not there. He said this is dangerous because there are no morals or guidelines passed on to the children.
Third, and most effective in helping children cope with digital temptations, Knutson talked about authoritative parenting. He said this parenting philosophy has clear standards of conduct for the children, and its discipline is supportive, not punitive.
“Authoritative parents take the perspective that their job is to empower their children to independently make good choices,” Knutson said, quoting Nancy Willard, a professional in the realm of safe and responsible use of the Internet.

poems from junior high and high school

Butterfly

Butterfly, butterfly,
Your wings are hued and colorful;
Sending fairy dust all over us…
Your dance is beautiful.

Butterfly, butterfly,
You float along on air
Whilst tiny breezes flutter from your wings
Sending you here and there.

Butterfly, butterfly,
Why do we love you so?
You’re here and there, far and near…
Until it’s time to go.

Butterfly, butterfly,
Wait – don’t stir a wing.
I can’t bear to have you leave me
Until another Spring.


Walt Disney

Walt Disney had talent
For making others laugh.
He began to show this at a very young age
When he drew on anything he could find.

One day he found a bucket of tar,
But thought it was paint for the house.
He painted a picture of his little pet pig
Right on the clean, bleached white wall!

Walt never had much money,
But he did have friends who cared
They worked and helped him
With his movie career.

Walt loved little children
And wanted to give them as much as he could.
He was the first cartoonist to put humor,
Color and sound in his movies just for them.

Walt loved making others happy and was good at it too.
The public loved him, and so
He will always be remembered
For the enjoyment he gave.


Yelling

little kid
leaned over cliff and yelled.
canyon in sudden
ferocity, answered.

a great sound
invaded the canyon.
lots of little kids
yelled together
and canyon vibrated.

from all sides
piercing yells
obnoxious yells rolled
and rolled around.

very shocking yells!

But Nothing Fell.



If I Were in Charge of the World

If I were in charge of the world,
I’d cancel
Vegetables,
Weeds,
Mold,
Smelly feet,
Mud puddles,
and especially kids who punch the lockers.

If I were in charge of the world,
There’d be
Free pop and candy,
Pillow fights in class, and
Nap time instead of R.I.S.E.

If I were in charge of the world,
You wouldn’t have stinky,
You wouldn’t have ugly,
You wouldn’t have rude,
Or “Do your homework first.”
You wouldn’t even have homework.

If I were in charge of the world,
Chocolate and marshmallows would be necessary for life,
Little brothers would be remote controlled,
And a person who never studies
And doesn’t pay attention
Would still be allowed to be in charge of the world.

If I Were in Charge of the World

If I were in charge of the world,
I’d cancel
Stupidity,
Disease,
Drugs,
Bombs,
War,
and especially bin Laden and Saddam.

If I were in charge of the world,
There’d be
Peace,
Safety, and
Cures for all medical problems.

If I were in charge of the world,
You wouldn’t have punks,
You wouldn’t have pornography,
You wouldn’t have immodesty,
Or “Obey the law!”
Because you wouldn’t need laws.

If I were in charge of the world,
Bad guys wouldn’t get away,
Jails would have nobody in them,
And a person who tries to be good
But still isn’t perfect
Would still be allowed to be in charge of the world.

Anne Frank

Anne Frank was a girl
With a spirited heart;
Independent and free,
She had ideas of her own.

She lived in the era
Of World War II;
The time when dumb Hitler
Tried to conquer the world.

He exterminated Jews
Wherever he went,
And left nothing but
Pain and anguish in his path.

Anne and her family
Went into hiding
In the annex of her
Father’s old business.

They had to be quiet
And take special precautions
So only Miep and Mr. Kraler
Would know they were there.

Anne spent a few years there,
Writing in her diary,
But then one night a burglar
Told police where they were.

The Green Police came and got them
And they were sent off
On the very last train
To Auswitz.

Most of them died there
But no one knows
What happened to Mr. VanDaan.
Anne’s father was the only one left.

All that remained
To show Anne and her life
Was a little, old, patched, and frayed
Diary.

Math

Math is the square root of all evil;
Never-ending, ceaseless toil.
It laughs in our faces,
Sending our brains through its phases.

Angles, graphs, and pi,
Little obnoxious number signs.
It’s not fun at all.
It will soon kill us all.

Math needs to die.

The Moon

The moon is a hunk of green cheese in the sky
Rays soft as a chord in a lullaby
Night burglars picture a curse from the sky
To us it’s a beauty
why?

Nachos in Heaven

The moon is a ball of nacho cheese
The sky is a tortilla chip
Pleading with the gods
Eat me before I die

Bored

Not “I’m doing homework” bored,
Not “Nothing’s going on” bored,
Not “tired” bored,
Waiting bored!
Bored because this is taking too long,
This class lasts forever, and
I don’t want to be here!

Nick

He is a silver euphonium
Eyes like an eagle
Happy and carefree
5-star general of the United States military

Natalie

She is a megaphone
Yelling like a banshee
Cute and cuddly
Life-saving veterinarian

Zach [written 6/17/08]

He is a golden trumpet
Mind of a chess master
Loving me
Programmer for Nintendo Game Company


Steve [written 7/10/09, as are the following]

He is a polished clarinet
Laughing in falsetto
Outgoing and understanding
Clinical psychologist

Me

I am a silver flute
Personality of a caring friend
Hoping
Mother and photojournalist/editorial writer

Mom

She is a sewing machine
Mind of a planner
Making our family better
Family history guru

Dad

He is an HO scale train table
Heart of a teacher
Laughing and singing
Bank examiner teacher and singer

Alex

He is a Nintendo Wii
Mind of a gamer and creator
Mastering his skills
Airplane engineer

Quote Wall - Fall 2008 Winter 2009 Norma's #2

Previously published as a Facebook note.
The ones with asterisks are the best. More asterisks = better
"Grr..." - Angela B
"Where's my phone?" "I ate it." - anybody (about most any object), Angela B
"Showering is overrated." - Abigail
"Dang box!" - Candice
"And God said 'Let there be light' and there was light. And God inspired Thomas Edison to make the lightbulb and there was light in our apartment." - Angela B
"It's nice to be upside-down every once in a while." - Angela B's sister Natalie
* "My friend Elizabeth thinks this guy has such great abs you could grate cheese on them." - Natalie
* "We're just eating the space that belongs to us." - Angela B and Candice
"Soon you won't have to put on pants. At least I didn't say you wouldn't have to put on anything." - Angela B
"Ooh... tingling!" - Angela B
"I didn't know THAT's why you were getting married!" - Angela B
* "You're like a little elf that will attack my knees." - Angela B
* "I think we should boycott the darkness." "I dunno... sometimes I like the dark." "Maybe we should just boycott YOU." - Candice, Angela, Candice
* "Are men like animals with earthquakes? Can they tell if it's coming?" - Angela B
* "She's really attractive, until she opens her mouth." - identity protected :P
** "Those huge boys just come up out of the water like beasts of the Triton." - Angela F
** "Can I bring my pajamas?" "Are you a girl?" "I'm a first tenor!" - Neil, Angela B, Neil
"Let's go to the mountain of the Lord" "and ski on it!" - Scott, Angela B
"Do YOUR fishes know how to kiss?" - Scott
** "I know two words that start with 'e...'" "Elephant and earmuffs." "An elephant with really BIG earmuffs." - Abigail, Scott, Angela F
** "I slept in my editor's bed. He gave me lots of front-page articles!" - haha you know who you are
"Maybe THAT's what's on the left side of my brain. I always wondered if I had anything there." - Angela F
* "I used to think kissing was how you got pregnant." "Oh, it is! You have to be careful with that, especially when you're single... and when you're on Acutane." - unknown, you know who you are
"I won't kiss my husband until over the altar. I'll kiss over the altar, I'll kiss over the cat, I'll kiss over the table, I'll kiss over the threshold..." - Angela F
"This is why I'm single." "I'm sure as soon as some guys heard that [you'd kiss anywhere], you wouldn't be single anymore." - Angela F, Logan
** "I learned how to kill people with my bare hands when I was a child. My dad taught me before I went to EFY." - Angela F
"So now I'm going to have an 'uppity' phone. I'm not like that!" - Candice
*** "We might have water damage because YOU were eating hummus!" - Sara
"I don't like wearing clothes. It's bad." - Sara
"I'm stressed because I have to wear the same clothes all day long." - Sara
"Why are you biting him?" "I dunno - it seemed like a good idea at the time." - Angela B, Sara
"I'm going to be a Mann when I grow up. You're going to kiss a 'man'!" "Correction: I'm going to be kissing a 'man' a lot!" - Sara, Logan
"That's the problem with marrying a righteous person. I'll probably have to have some sort of sit-on-the-stand type of calling." - Logan
*** "The seminary probably still has it. They have a whole collection of death masks of students." - Logan
*** "I almost passed out in sewing - so they wrapped me in duct tape and put me on a table and squirted water into my mouth through a ketchup bottle." - Abigail
"Mom!" - Abigail and Sara, at the same time
"Why is it night? Well, besides the fact that the Earth rotates, of course..." - Angela B
"I love alcohol." - Angela B

Chuck Norris jokes

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the Richter scale.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win forever. Unless you’re playing against Chuck Norris.
The boogeyman checks under his bed and in his closet for Chuck Norris.
When there’s a fire, you stop drop and roll. When there’s Chuck Norris, you stop drop and die.
When Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks underwater, he causes tsunamis.
Chuck Norris can make bagpipes sound good.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris could win a staring contest with the sun.
Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
Chuck Norris can stop the beat.
Chuck Norris does not cut his grass. He simply stares at it and dares it to grow.
Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris was hit by a train. Everyone on it died.
Chuck Norris can kiss his elbows.
If you woke up this morning, it’s because Chuck Norris let you live.
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris froze hell over.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
There is no theory of evolution. Just creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris cracked the Liberty Bell.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take crap from anybody.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's hands and feet.
Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.
When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you can’t score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, I’m Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"
Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord
Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times.
China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was too scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty.
Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.
Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down/
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris always [kisses] on the first date. Always.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.
Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds.
When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"
Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic, The Incredible Hulk.
Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is beating you up, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour and a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose.
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.
Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was
a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight.
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1.... 1 roundhouse kick to the face...