Dormitory: Dirty Room
Evangelist: Evil's Agent
Desperation: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines: Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity: Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms: Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness: Genuine Class
Semolina: Is No Meal
A Decimal Point: I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes: That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one
Contradiction: Accord not in it
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
The Anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." ~Neil Armstrong
The Anagram:
"Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/humor/other2.htm
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
LDS Stereotypes
Utah Residency Test
You must be able to answer yes to 10 or more of the following questions to qualify for permanent residency in the state of Utah. Failure to do so qualifies you as a temporary resident only.
Do you have a bumper sticker that says "Families can be Forever"?
Was the mother of the bride pregnant at your wedding?
Did a member of your family write in Lavelle Edwards for President in the last election?
If you shop on Sunday, do you post date the check?
Does your mother have purple or amber plastic grapes in the attic?
Were you an aunt or uncle before you attended kindergarten?
Do you have 2 gallons of ice cream in the freezer at all times?
Do you consider peanut butter on the seat of your car an accessory?
When you take a family to a restaurant, do you ask for extra plates?
Do you consider "dam" a swear word?
Does your family consider a trip to McDonald's a night out?
Do you believe you have to be 18 to order coffee in a cafe?
Are at least two of your salad bowls at neighbor's houses?
Do you think Jack Daniels is a country western singer?
Do you consider your temple recommend a credit reference?
When your ward basketball team plays, is it similar to the L.A. riots?
Do you have an uncontrollable urge to arrive at meetings 5 minutes late?
Did you meet your spouse at BYU or on "Your Mission."
Can you make a Jell-O with fruit salad without a recipe?
Do you bring cola home from the store in a brown paper bag?
Do your children believe that deer hunting is a national holiday?
Do you negotiate prices at a garage sale?
Do you feel guilty when you watch Monday Night Football?
Do you think red punch and green Jell-O are the main ingredients for a successful party?
Do your kids think Jell-O is a major food group?
When you pick someone up at the airport, do you bring at least 1/3 of your relatives and have a family reunion at the gate?
Do you have a "Quiet Book" as part of your library?
Are you embarrassed if any of your children are more than two years apart in age?
Do you say "Gawl", "Heck", or "Fetch" more than once a day?
Do you travel on Morris Air Service at least once a year?
Do you think "Ignernt" means rude?
Does it take more than one car to get all your kids over to Grandma's house?
Do you have any relatives named LaDell, LaVelle, LaDawn, or LaVerle (how about LaDurl)?
Does your 2 year supply of food include more than 40 pounds of candy?
Do you keep a supply of butcher paper on hand to make large "Welcome Home" banners?
Do you refuse coffee but accept all offers of Excedrin?
Do you think it is more prestigious to go to BYU than Harvard?
Do you have relatives in California doing everything they can to "Move Back"?
Do you shop for wedding gifts at D.I?
Does your family take Mormon Tequila to family reunions? (Ingredients of Mormon Tequila: Kool-aid with gummi worm in the bottom.)
Has anybody in your family ever taken Cheerios in a sandwich bag or Tupperware dish to church?
Have you ever made a major purchase at D.I (Couches, appliances, electronics)?
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/humor/culture2.htm
You must be able to answer yes to 10 or more of the following questions to qualify for permanent residency in the state of Utah. Failure to do so qualifies you as a temporary resident only.
Do you have a bumper sticker that says "Families can be Forever"?
Was the mother of the bride pregnant at your wedding?
Did a member of your family write in Lavelle Edwards for President in the last election?
If you shop on Sunday, do you post date the check?
Does your mother have purple or amber plastic grapes in the attic?
Were you an aunt or uncle before you attended kindergarten?
Do you have 2 gallons of ice cream in the freezer at all times?
Do you consider peanut butter on the seat of your car an accessory?
When you take a family to a restaurant, do you ask for extra plates?
Do you consider "dam" a swear word?
Does your family consider a trip to McDonald's a night out?
Do you believe you have to be 18 to order coffee in a cafe?
Are at least two of your salad bowls at neighbor's houses?
Do you think Jack Daniels is a country western singer?
Do you consider your temple recommend a credit reference?
When your ward basketball team plays, is it similar to the L.A. riots?
Do you have an uncontrollable urge to arrive at meetings 5 minutes late?
Did you meet your spouse at BYU or on "Your Mission."
Can you make a Jell-O with fruit salad without a recipe?
Do you bring cola home from the store in a brown paper bag?
Do your children believe that deer hunting is a national holiday?
Do you negotiate prices at a garage sale?
Do you feel guilty when you watch Monday Night Football?
Do you think red punch and green Jell-O are the main ingredients for a successful party?
Do your kids think Jell-O is a major food group?
When you pick someone up at the airport, do you bring at least 1/3 of your relatives and have a family reunion at the gate?
Do you have a "Quiet Book" as part of your library?
Are you embarrassed if any of your children are more than two years apart in age?
Do you say "Gawl", "Heck", or "Fetch" more than once a day?
Do you travel on Morris Air Service at least once a year?
Do you think "Ignernt" means rude?
Does it take more than one car to get all your kids over to Grandma's house?
Do you have any relatives named LaDell, LaVelle, LaDawn, or LaVerle (how about LaDurl)?
Does your 2 year supply of food include more than 40 pounds of candy?
Do you keep a supply of butcher paper on hand to make large "Welcome Home" banners?
Do you refuse coffee but accept all offers of Excedrin?
Do you think it is more prestigious to go to BYU than Harvard?
Do you have relatives in California doing everything they can to "Move Back"?
Do you shop for wedding gifts at D.I?
Does your family take Mormon Tequila to family reunions? (Ingredients of Mormon Tequila: Kool-aid with gummi worm in the bottom.)
Has anybody in your family ever taken Cheerios in a sandwich bag or Tupperware dish to church?
Have you ever made a major purchase at D.I (Couches, appliances, electronics)?
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/humor/culture2.htm
You might be LDS (Mormon) if...
You might be LDS if you've ever referred to a friend as your "Companion."
You might be LDS if you have ever inadvertently addressed your boss or coworkers as brother or sister.
You might be LDS if you have ever blessed cake, cookies or donuts saying, "Please bless this food that it will strengthen and nourish our bodies."
You might be LDS if you have ever used the phrase "With every fiber of my being."
You might be LDS if all your dishes have your name written on masking tape.
You might be LDS if you have something stuck to your refrigerator for every time you have attended Relief Society.
You might be LDS if you have geese or cow decorations anywhere in your kitchen.
You might be LDS if you think toys are a normal part of any landscaping.
You might be LDS if you've ever refused a Coke although it's 105 degrees outside.
You might be LDS if you know a 300 lb woman who doesn't drink Coke because it may cause her to be unhealthy.
You might be LDS if you have no idea who ever said Mormons shouldn't drink Coke.
You might be LDS if you received baby clothes at a bridal shower (and didn't need them but were really excited to get them.)
You might be LDS if you have to lock your car in the church parking lot to keep it from being filled with zucchini, tomatoes, and egg plants.
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/humor/culture2.htm
You might be LDS if you have ever inadvertently addressed your boss or coworkers as brother or sister.
You might be LDS if you have ever blessed cake, cookies or donuts saying, "Please bless this food that it will strengthen and nourish our bodies."
You might be LDS if you have ever used the phrase "With every fiber of my being."
You might be LDS if all your dishes have your name written on masking tape.
You might be LDS if you have something stuck to your refrigerator for every time you have attended Relief Society.
You might be LDS if you have geese or cow decorations anywhere in your kitchen.
You might be LDS if you think toys are a normal part of any landscaping.
You might be LDS if you've ever refused a Coke although it's 105 degrees outside.
You might be LDS if you know a 300 lb woman who doesn't drink Coke because it may cause her to be unhealthy.
You might be LDS if you have no idea who ever said Mormons shouldn't drink Coke.
You might be LDS if you received baby clothes at a bridal shower (and didn't need them but were really excited to get them.)
You might be LDS if you have to lock your car in the church parking lot to keep it from being filled with zucchini, tomatoes, and egg plants.
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/humor/culture2.htm
Mormon Jargon
JARGON by Lawrence Heywood
My son's a CTR ... I go to PEC.
I work for CES....I study the TG.
I read the B of M .... I probe the D&C.
I search the KJV ... I ponder the JST.
Today in BYC ... we planned for EFY.
I stayed a little after ... and had a PPI.
The YM and YW ... are putting on a play.
It's one that I remember ...we did in MIA.
Before our oldest son ...went in the MTC,
He helped the BSA .... complete their SME.
Soon our oldest daughter ... is heading for the Y.
Soon our oldest clothing ... is going to DI.
Now, if you've understood ... this alphabetic mess,
The chances are quite good ... that you are LDS.
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/humor/culture.htm
MO - Mormon
NO MO - Non-Mormon
MO NO MO - Apostate
MO NOPOLY - Utah
MO TOWN - Provo
MO PEDS - People walking across the street to Temple Square or the MTC in Provo.
MO HAIR - Missionary standards haircut.
PO MO - A financially challenged Mormon
MO LASSES - Mormon Babes!!
MO TEL - Bishop's interview, tithing settlement.
SU MO - Grad of BYU Law School
MO GUL - Large white Utah bird frequently seen in Church history books, parking lots and dumps.
MO RALLY - Third quarter BYU drive against the U of U.
MO SEY - LDS sense of time. See also LOCO MO TION.
LOCO MO TION - Post-game exodus from Cougar Stadium.
MO NOGOMY - LDS marriage practices.
MO TIF - Two or more Mormons engaged in a heated difference of opinion.
MO LDIE - Older LDS member, temple worker, etc.
MO MO Missourian Mormon
My son's a CTR ... I go to PEC.
I work for CES....I study the TG.
I read the B of M .... I probe the D&C.
I search the KJV ... I ponder the JST.
Today in BYC ... we planned for EFY.
I stayed a little after ... and had a PPI.
The YM and YW ... are putting on a play.
It's one that I remember ...we did in MIA.
Before our oldest son ...went in the MTC,
He helped the BSA .... complete their SME.
Soon our oldest daughter ... is heading for the Y.
Soon our oldest clothing ... is going to DI.
Now, if you've understood ... this alphabetic mess,
The chances are quite good ... that you are LDS.
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/humor/culture.htm
MO - Mormon
NO MO - Non-Mormon
MO NO MO - Apostate
MO NOPOLY - Utah
MO TOWN - Provo
MO PEDS - People walking across the street to Temple Square or the MTC in Provo.
MO HAIR - Missionary standards haircut.
PO MO - A financially challenged Mormon
MO LASSES - Mormon Babes!!
MO TEL - Bishop's interview, tithing settlement.
SU MO - Grad of BYU Law School
MO GUL - Large white Utah bird frequently seen in Church history books, parking lots and dumps.
MO RALLY - Third quarter BYU drive against the U of U.
MO SEY - LDS sense of time. See also LOCO MO TION.
LOCO MO TION - Post-game exodus from Cougar Stadium.
MO NOGOMY - LDS marriage practices.
MO TIF - Two or more Mormons engaged in a heated difference of opinion.
MO LDIE - Older LDS member, temple worker, etc.
MO MO Missourian Mormon
Statistics
The Hazards of Bread
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made fram a substance called "dough". It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurance of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinsons's disease and osteporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days!
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts!
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90% water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Farenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless babbling.
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/humor/other2.htm
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made fram a substance called "dough". It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurance of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinsons's disease and osteporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days!
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts!
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90% water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Farenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless babbling.
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/humor/other2.htm
No Excuse Sunday
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY--DEDICATED TO MISSING CHURCH MEMBERS!
To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday."
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that the benches are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those say they can't go because they'll be having family over.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
We will distribute "Stamp out Stewardship" buttons for those who feel that the church is always asking for money.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the sermons and cotton for those who can.
We will provide DVR for those who don't want to miss the game.
Hope to see you there!
To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday."
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that the benches are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those say they can't go because they'll be having family over.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
We will distribute "Stamp out Stewardship" buttons for those who feel that the church is always asking for money.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the sermons and cotton for those who can.
We will provide DVR for those who don't want to miss the game.
Hope to see you there!
Household Principles for Children from the Old Testament
Household Principles for Children from the Old Testament - Lamentations of the Father by Ian Frazier
I - Laws of Forbidden Places
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room. Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.
II - Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
III - Laws Pertaining to Dessert
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
IV - On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.
Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
V - Concerning Face and Hands
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.
Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.
VI - Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/humor/bible.htm
I - Laws of Forbidden Places
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room. Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.
II - Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
III - Laws Pertaining to Dessert
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
IV - On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.
Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
V - Concerning Face and Hands
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.
Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.
VI - Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/humor/bible.htm
Truths about Life
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
8. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
9. School lunches stick to the wall.
10. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
11. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
5 . Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes
and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/humor/other2.htm
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
8. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
9. School lunches stick to the wall.
10. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
11. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
5 . Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes
and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/humor/other2.htm
Bible Jokes
1)
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT (Companion for Adam's Teaching) to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
2)
Scriptures according to children. These appeared in National Review magazine on December 31, 1995.
In the first book of the Bible, Guinness's, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
3)
The Top Ten Ways the Bible Would Have Been Different If Written by College Students:
10). Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips
9). Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.
8). Forbidden fruit would have been eaten only because it wasn't dining hall food.
7). Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.
6). Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
5). The place where the end of the world occurs.... not the Plains of Armageddon, but Finals.
4). Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.
3). Reason why Moses and followers wandered in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.
2). Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
1). Instead of creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, God would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/humor/bible.htm
4)
ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. Stay below deck during the storm.
12. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
13. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
14. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
15. Don't miss the boat.
16. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/humor/general.htm
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT (Companion for Adam's Teaching) to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
2)
Scriptures according to children. These appeared in National Review magazine on December 31, 1995.
In the first book of the Bible, Guinness's, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
3)
The Top Ten Ways the Bible Would Have Been Different If Written by College Students:
10). Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips
9). Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.
8). Forbidden fruit would have been eaten only because it wasn't dining hall food.
7). Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.
6). Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
5). The place where the end of the world occurs.... not the Plains of Armageddon, but Finals.
4). Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.
3). Reason why Moses and followers wandered in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.
2). Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
1). Instead of creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, God would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/humor/bible.htm
4)
ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. Stay below deck during the storm.
12. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
13. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
14. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
15. Don't miss the boat.
16. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.
http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/humor/general.htm
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Steve's EMT Rules
Previously published as a Facebook note.
Steve took an EMT class in college before his mission. These are "DA RULES:"
EMS “Da Rules”
Steve took an EMT class in college before his mission. These are "DA RULES:"
EMS “Da Rules”
- All bleeding stops… eventually
- Air goes in and out. Blood goes round and round. Any variation of that is a bad thing.
- Skin signs tell all.
- You can’t cure stupid.
- There is no such thing as a textbook case.
- All people will eventually die, no matter what you do.
- If the child is still and quiet… be afraid.
- There will be problems.
- If it is wet, sticky, and not yours… leave it alone!
- If you are dispatched to an MVA (motor vehicle accident) after 2 AM and you don’t find a drunk, keep looking because someone is still missing.
- Shallow gene pool is not a diagnosis.
- Sick people don’t b****.
- About 70% of all battery patients more than likely deserved it.
- The more equipment you see on an EMT’s belt the newer they are.
- The more patches an EMT has on his/her jacket, the fewer actual patients they have seen.
- When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
- Never trust the ambulance to be fully stocked. If you don’t have it, improvise. Improvisation is the mother of invention.
- Probies always look for large things in the small compartments and vice versa.
- If the patient is going to vomit, aim them at the person you like the least.
- Take comfort: most of your patients will survive regardless of what you do to them.
- Sick people only call because they couldn’t get in their car. They apologize for bothering you. When you see them, be afraid.
- When a pregnant woman says “the baby is coming” you better believe her.
- When a patient says “I think I am going to die” he is probably right.
- Beware of “guard geese.”
- The dog that “never bites” really does.
- Never believe the dispatcher.
- When evacuating a “HAZMAT” scene, stay 200 feet back from the first dead cop or firefighter, whichever comes first.
- “HAZMAT” workers are trained professionals, not “glow worms.”
- When removing a patient’s shoes, beware of “toxic shock syndrome.”
- Never leave the alcohol swabs unattended.
- Never forget your patients are “human.” Sometimes the best medicine is simply holding someone’s hand.
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