Divorce Agreement

Divorce Agreement
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.


Sincerely,

John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.

On Flushing - Letter to the Editor

To our well-mannered fellow students, we congratulate you. It has come to our attention that it is possible for a person to become so advanced in their knowledge and intent on furthering it they can neglect or even forget the basics upon which their field of study is established.

We suppose that some people become so loaded with stress and the responsibilities of college life that they forget the very fundamentals taught at home when they were three years old. Though it is a simple task that most students do without thinking, the current trend of not flushing the toilet is becoming so popular that we are beginning to wonder if it is a new fad!

To help combat this problem, we propose that BYU offer a mandatory class entitled “Basic Restroom 101.” In it, students (and faculty) would learn there is more than one way to flush a toilet; there are four. Pull the handle up, push it down, rotate it until it flushes, or use your foot. Girls would learn that anything soiled with blood, a biohazardous substance, should be disposed of in the white boxes provided in every stall. Upper division courses and private tutoring will be made available for those who express interest or exhibit apparent need.

Cordially, your fellow students and custodians,

Angela Berrett and Scott Blanch

Quote Wall - Fall 2009 Norma's #3

Previously published as a Facebook note.
In order of most to least quotes:
Jessica
Doesn't he just look like he's on CRACK?
Just because I'm small doesn't mean I can't appreciate a dead cow on a plate.
I'm just not feeling intrinsically wisdomish.
It's assumed teenagers have brains, but that they're dormant.
I feel bad profiting off all your hard work, but I'll still do it, with a song in my heart.
I'm not supposed to be same - I'm female.
It's dangerous to be a closet leaper - shin injuries.
SEMI-bread of life - otherwise it would be blasphemous, and we can't have that.
Now I have an un-Christmas card list, and she's on THAT.
Why do we have to have them doing it in our kitchen?
Little aliens come with squirt hoses.
We have to put on a man-strut song.
In the resurrection when I'm not allergic anymore I'm playing with cats every single day.
Haven't you ever wanted to butter a sparrow?
I have my own dead cow! Ha!
Steve (Angela's boyfriend)
It could just be that I haven't spent so much time so close to other people's stomachs.
Jessica, do goldfish reproduce sexually or do they spawn?
I have nothing against the manly leap. I do it myself sometimes when nobody's watching.
Color pwn!
High heaven must be a stinky place, 'cuz everything stinks to it.
That's how the French say 'Merry Christmas.' They build people stuff.
Santa pwn!
There's two rules you have to follow: you don't cup, and you don't rub.
I can pretend there's pretend meat.
Julie
I feel sort of Asian right now 'cuz I have a square bowl.
I have those [munchies] every day. I think I'm a crack addict in my sleep, or something.
My life is complete!
I just wanna be Black because then I can tell people what I think and not get beat down for it.
Kirsten
I'm not a fan of sleeping with mosquitoes. I'm saving myself for someone.
I'm not sure how I feel about this... you just hatched a spoon.
Question mark?
Angela
What kind of church do YOU have?
I need to go sell my body. Julie should come too.
I can make octopus faces! If octopuses had faces, that's what they'd look like!
Becca (Julie's friend)
If you have a brain, it has to be intelligent.
Julie and I are never going to get married. We're going to move to Italy and get lots of purses.
Shaun (Kirsten's fiance, now husband)
Makes sense - they're both brains.
Hilary (Jessica's friend)
No one in this movie has a tan - not even the Black guy.
Two-person quotes:
"That's racial profiling!" - Steve "They're freaking pickles!" - Angela
"It would be like having a period that never ends." - Steve "FML." - goldfish
"They're trying to make one!" - Kirsten "They can't make it that way!" - Angela