The Soap Opera of Too Many Characters

The Soap Opera

of

Too Many Characters

Once upon a time, Wally the Wienerschnitzel was going for a walk when he met a frog. The frog’s name was Ribbit and he had a pet muffin named Cherry. (Angela Berrett)

Cherry was eaten by Ribbit because Ribbit was hungry. Cherry is no longer in this story. (Jacob Reuckert)

While Ribbit was crying because of the horrible thing he had done, along came a pretty unicorn. Her name was Sparkle Rainbow. She told Ribbit that they could be best friends! So Ribbit got on her back and they flew away. Well, they had forgotten about the wienerschnitzel. He sat and started to cry. But, some of Sparkle Rainbow’s magic dust fell on him, and the schnitzel turned into a handsome Prince. (Olivia Dayton)

Then out of the sky came Lord Voldemort and it ate the unicorn and then the prince turned into stone because Lord Voldemort was so ugly and then Harry Potter came and turned Lord Voldemort into a rabbit and right then a wolf ate the rabbit. (Jacob Reuckert)

Then a turtle named Flash came into the story because he was so fast and he could jump so high that he just jumped right into the story. And then the turtle tripped Harry Potter and he fell off a cliff and into a lake but because he didn’t take swimming lessons he drowned. But he dropped his wand so the turtle picked it up and became Donkey. Then he used his wand and turned the wolf into Shrek. And Donkey told Shrek "I’m making waffles." (Brandon Heffron)

Right then Nemo from "Finding Nemo" grew so big that he averaged 2 inches in length he then called for his friend Bruce. Bruce attacked Shrek but Shrek killed Bruce so Nemo called for another friend his name was Dad. Dad is so big that he ate Shrek and then Donkey kicked Dad’s stomach and Shrek fell out and then Shrek and Donkey went on another quest. (Jacob Reuckert)

Then the alien named Thorlisknor came in his hammer shaped warship. And used his advanced technology and brought everybody back to life. And Puss in Boots cut a piece of ham and ate it. (Thomas Larsen)

Then Fred Flintstone came and destroyed all of the advanced technology because he had a simple mind and the technology gave him a headache. Then he got in his car and went bowling with Barney. (TJ Burr)

Then Alisa was seen walking around in a daze of confusion because there were so many characters she had absolutely no idea what was going on so Shrek came up behind her a nd put her out of her misery by snapping her neck. (Alisa Watanabe)

This created and unresolved paradox, and the universe immediately imploded in itself and began anew with all new characters like Sally. Sally was a looker. (Matt Dea)

All of a sudden, Jaleh Afshar aka Satan/God comes and threatens to destroy everybody unless she receives $1 million dollars and Serj as her personal slave. (Jaleh Afshar)

Unfortunately for Jaleh aka Satan/God, Ganondorf had accumulated all 3 parts of the triforce, therefore he was able to assimilate Jaleh into pure osmium. Therefore Ganon ruled the worlk until all of the sudden, Link, the Hero of Time, showed up and kicked Ganon’s butt. Link got the triforce, became immortal, and revived Cherry the talking blueberry muffin to command Ganon’s former throne. (Matt Dea)

On one of Link’s days off work, he was out having a slurpee at 7-11 when in walked Sally. Link’s mouth popped open and his eyes glazed over. What a hottie! (Angela Berrett)

Unfortunately for Link, Sally was afraid of commitment. She was just a "naughty" girl. Link was so sad he decided to go into hiding. He put the master sword back in the pedestal to go back in time 7 years. Then he took the four sword out of his pedestal to become 4 different Links; Green Blue, Red, and Black. They split in the 4 directions, North, South, West, and East and weren’t seen again for 3 years. They are no longer affected by anything for the next 70 paragraphs. Anything else is a LIE!!! (Matt Dea)

Anyways the bass fish who wrote above me is very long winded. Link gets decapitated by a flying kangaroo. He will never return again. The kangaroo becomes king of the pound and all the other dogs worship him. Everybody previously mentioned in the previous stories were killed by a nuclear bomb dropped by the king kangaroo. Everyone died. No survivors except king kangaroo and his kingdom. They dwell in a palm tree for time and all eternity happily ever after. King kangaroo lives. (?)

Red Link survived and was bored so he went to find some "action." He ran into Zelda. He got slapped and he ran away. He ran straight into king kangaroo. Red Link was so ticked off he chained king kangaroo to a wall and skinned him alive while he watched the kangaroo die. He went back to Zelda which led to his death. And that is the life story of No, aka (Camren Copier)

Suddenly: BOOM! Everybody died. The end. (Angela Berrett)

But was it the end? Far far away in another universe was a thing and this thing was Marvin the Martian and he was gay but that is another story to tell but as you can see this story was destroyed when Angela’s chemistry class wrote in it. The End.

But was it? (Jacob Reuckert)

The Hotdog World of D3PO and the Tales of DUH

The Hotdog World of D3PO*

By Angela and friends. Different colors represent different authors.

(*edited for clarity and grammar)

Once upon a time there was a penguin named Bert who had a talking rubber pancake named Shroom. Bert’s friend Wally the Wiener Schnitzel had a pet moose named Mr. Princess. One day Bert and his wife Amy decided to adopt pets. So they went to the muffin shelter and adopted 3 talking muffins named Sally, Julie, and Po. (Angela Berrett)

And then Shrek came and he wanted muffins to eat. Julie, Sally, and Po were there for the taking so he ate them and he was full. (Jacob Reuckert)

Then Donkey came and saw that there was a talking pancake. This made him angry, because he was the only one who was supposed to talk that wasn’t human besides Shrek, so he went up to Shroom and ate him. (Brandon Heffron)

And then a snakelike parasite jumped into the back of Shrek’s neck and took over his body. Shrek’s eyes glowed and he said in a resonating and low voice, "Die, Donkey!" Shrek killed Donkey. (Thomas Larsen)

Then a fat rabbit came popping out of a magic top hat and magicked everybody back to life. (Angela Berrett)

And then Jacob came into the story and he killed the muffin man so he wouldn’t make any more fairy-tale muffins. Since the rabbit brought back the muffins, Jacob killed the rabbit and ate the muffins. (Jacob Reuckert)

Then Thomas Larsen came into the story and Donkey saw him and he remembered the snakelike parasite that Thomas had written in which had killed him. He ran straight into Thomas and Thomas flew so far that he fell out of the story. (Brandon Heffron)

And that began the age of Shrek and Donkey. (Jacob Reuckert)

And Thomas landed in Russell’s story. Russell had spaceships and robots, so they went into this story and captured and tortured Brandon until he said "Grandma." The snakelike parasite (from here on referred to as Goa’uld) jumped into a robot suit and allied with Thomas. (Thomas Larsen)

Then the hotdog maker came and turned the Earth into a giant hotdog. Then he hosted a barbecue in his backyard and everybody went swimming in the mustard. (Angela Berrett)

And Jacob was so angry that he ate the hotdog man and right then he remembered what his dad told him: "There is always room for more food" and so he ate the hotdog planet and he was happy. Shrek and Donkey moved to the moon. (Jacob Reuckert)

Ships lie in ruins, bodies lay strewn across the battlefield, and grass soaks in the blood of the fallen. "Cheese!" (Thomas Larsen)

I like cheese. (Angela Berrett)

And Jacob heard about this tragedy and so he went to the battlefield and he ate all the cheese and he was happy. That was the end of this story.

THE END

But was it? In a galaxy far, far away was a flying cow but that’s another story. (Jacob Reuckert)

DUH*

In the beginning after the hotdog world of D3PO was destroyed, there was a flying cow of destruction and it destroyed Planet X because X marks the spot. (Jacob Reuckert)

Then the cow flew away but it wasn’t alone. The moon fell out of orbit and followed the cow. By planet S the cow found out that the moon was coming after it. The cow got hit into Planet Q and landed on Planet P. Then the cow fell into disgusting Stinky Lake. It forced itself onto the shore where a cabin was built. Then the people who lived in the cabin came out. It was Shrek and Donkey! Donkey was talking to Shrek.

"After we do our business, I’m making waffles."

"What the heck is a cow doing here?" Shrek said. (Brandon Heffron)

Then Donkey yelled out, "Got milk?" (Jacob Reuckert)

Then the Stinky Cheese Man moved to Planet P from Planet K and said, "Hi. This is my pet bibbadoinker named Looloo." (A bibbadoinker, by definition, is ‘a snickerdoodle cookie with chocolate chips on it, shaped like a bird, with a pancake hanging from its beak.’) Looloo is immortal because it is an inanimate object. (Angela Berrett)

Then a spaceship landed nearby and two guys walked out, General Bob and the Matrix dude. The Matrix dude cannot die because he is the "Other One." He will protect General Bob with his life and since he’s immortal and super fast, neither of them can die! General Bob said, "Need a ride?" and everybody got in and they flew to Planet Z. Then General Bob made a super powerful fortress to protect all the good guys. He made a ton of spaceships and robot troopers to protect everybody because he’s a nice guy. (Thomas Larsen)

All of a sudden Pogo the Possum showed up! "Guten tag! Ich heiße Pogo! Wie geht’s?" he said. (Olivia Dayton)

"Huh?" said Looloo the Bibbadoinker. "I don’t speak Moose."

"Das ist nicht ‘Moose’, das ist Deutsch!" said Pogo. "I was speaking German, you uneducated nitwit." (Angela Berrett)

And since Jacob didn’t understand German he killed Pogo and Jacob lived happily ever after. (Jacob Reuckert)

And then all of the bad guys died. In various ways...

And then they all came back to life. In various ways... (Thomas Larsen)

And then in outer space, Jacob killed them all that had come back to life. (Jacob Reuckert)

Then Donkey killed Space Jacob and Shrek hit him in the face. Space Jacob died and they ate every other character so they wouldn’t come back to life. (Brandon Heffron)

Then an immortal pelican named Robert came and granted Jacob, Shrek, Donkey, General Bob, and the Matrix dude immortality, because nothing is happening nowadays except strange and sudden murders. (Angela Berrett)

Then Homer Simpson tripped into the picture and turned the immortal pelican and everyone else into donuts and Homer ate everybody and nobody could come back to life because Homer left the picture. (Brandon Heffron)

Then Homer came back only to get shot by an evil lemur named Zaboomafoo and everybody popped out and turned back to normal... (Thomas Larsen)

Then Gollum "borrowed" a rocket from Marvin the Martian while he was on a visit to Mount Doom in Middle-Earth after Marvin resurrected Gollum from the lava. Gollum took the rocket and flew to Planet Z where every multi-resurrected person was. He also brought a bit of wood from Gandalf’s old broken staff with him. Using this tiny bit of magic, he stripped everyone of their power to kill, gave it to himself, and brought Homer back to life so he could eat him. But he was momentarily distracted.

A mini glazed maple donut caught the light as it fell out of Homer’s pocket. Gollum thought it was the Ring. He grabbed for it and stumbled, and upon accidentally catching it in his mouth, choked and died. (Now no one has the power to kill because Gollum had it all and now he’s dead.) Then the evil Lemur caught some weird disease from Gollum’s gross, dead body and died. Then Homer, Robert the immortal pelican, Jacob, Shrek, Donkey, General Bob, and the Matrix dude went on a picnic after Robert resurrected the muffin man and the hotdog maker from this story’s first section. The muffin man and the hotdog maker made the food. Then the hamburger man showed up and invited them all to go skiing in the mayonnaise. (Angela Berrett)

Then a wolf came bounding in and started sniffing at the hamburger man. All of a sudden the wolf changed into a beautiful peasant girl from Camelot and said, "My love! I found you!" Then, leaping for joy, she turned and shouted, "I’m sorry to say your hamburger man is really a vampire and my fiancé." (Eden Durburow)

Then the lord of this story looked down, opened the sky and said, "I hate you, Alfalfa." It rained. (Thomas Larsen)

Then Hitler popped out of the ground. "I will rule the universe now and become almighty!" (Eden Durburow)

And Bilbo jumped off the dragon’s back-you know, the one that was flying overhead-and stabbed Hitler with Sting. The shiny sword. (Thomas Larsen)

Then a dementor escaped from J.K. Rowling’s story and sucked out Hitler’s very tiny soul. But it wasn’t that big, so it wasn’t very filling, so the dementor went back into his old story. (Angela Berrett)

But unknown to the dementor, there was an assassin hired to kill it. (Nick Howard)

But you can’t kill dementors. (Angela Berrett)

The assassin was being paid in girly giggles. 200 of them. (Thomas Larsen)

And some food. (Nick Howard)

But the food, chicken nuggets, didn’t want to be eaten, so they ran away with the dish and the spoon from the Mother Goose rhymes. Then the cat turned up and smashed the assassin’s head with his violin. (Angela Berrett)

Then the wolf girl from Camelot pulled out an A-bomb and set it off. "HA HA HA" (evil laughter). (Eden Durburow)

Then, hickory, dickory, dock; the mouse ran up the clock; the clock struck one; the world exploded; hickory, dickory, dock. (Thomas Larsen)

Then Mother Goose came and pointed out that her poems were copyrighted. The assassin got up and shot the goose in the head and asked if anyone wanted goose for dinner. (Nick Howard)

But they didn’t have anywhere to eat it because the earth was destroyed and they were all floating in space. So then they moved to Mars and had a picnic. Yum. Roast goose and fresh Martian. Martians taste like green jell-O. No wonder; because they look like it. But they felt like something was missing, so they got some carrot sticks, another Martian, and went to a BYU tailgating party. Then they went to the BYU/UofU football game and the Cougars won! For once. Then Mr. Rudelich got mad and ran around screaming and fell off the planet because the Utes lost (54-17). (Angela Berrett)

Everyone was excited that BYU had finally won. There was a worldwide party that went for a millennium. (Nick Howard)

Hooray! The end. And this time, it was. (Angela Berrett)

DUH 2*

Timon and Pumbaa were singing one day, but someone wanted pork... (Thomas Larsen)

So someone set a trap to capture Pumbaa. (Nick Howard)

No, not someone... four somebodies. The four evil, mastermind penguins from "Madagascar" were craving warthog flesh. But then, the lemur king  (Angela Berrett) was craving something too, meerkat flesh, so the five decided to work together to achieve their hungry goals. (Thomas Larsen)

So they went to work on the trap. But a listening tree heard their plans, (Nick Howard) and then a troupe of dancing onions in lurid pink tutus jumped out of the tree and surrounded the pit in an attempt to lure Pumbaa in. (Angela Berrett)

The llama king wants the cheese... (Thomas Larsen)

Since Pumbaa ate the cheese, the llama king agreed to help capture him. Suddenly, a loud noise told them that Pumbaa had fallen in the pit. They all ran over, but were overwhelmed by what I’ll call the "essence of Pumbaa" (i.e.: stink). (Angela Berrett)

A little llama cut the warthog. (Russell Graff)

And ate him with BBQ sauce. (Matt Dea)

Then the sparkle plum fairy came and ate their souls all while dancing to "We are the lollipop kids."(?)

Suddenly the sparkle plum fairy spontaneously combusted and showers of glazed donuts fell from the sky. One landed on Timon’s head. (Angela Berrett)

"The sky is falling," he said.(?)

(Narrator voice) And thus they were all squashed to mostly dead.(?)

Then Chicken Little came and said, "Hey, that’s my line! How dare you steal it! I will hurt you!" So he bit off Timon’s ear. (Natalie Berrett)

Timon meant to eat Chicken Little, but ate Sir Mister Leotard the Third (a duck) instead. Then Sir Mister Leotard the Third pecked his way out of Timon, killing Timon in the process. (Alex Berrett)

They held a triple funeral for Timon, Pumbaa, and the sparkle plum fairy (who had spontaneously combusted, so they couldn’t find her body). Everyone left alive by the day’s unfortunate events came: the four penguins, the lemur king, the dancing onions, the llama king, Chicken Little, and Sir Mister Leotard the Third. The two bodies still intact (Timon and Pumbaa) were buried beneath the Listening Tree. As the final chord of the last funeral dirge was struck, a flock of evil pink flamingos in the distance was sighted.

"The flamingos are stampeding!" yelled Sir Mister Leotard the Third. (Angela Berrett)

The flamingos were very big and very stupid. First, they ran into a tree; second, tripped on a small pile of salt; and third, ran right off the cliff and were never seen again. So now, the living creatures didn’t have to worry about them. (Natalie Berrett)

They soon found out the reason for the stampede. Three humans had appeared in the distance. Fron, Zone, and McFragmonk McJaders were on a mission to discover the meaning of bellybutton lint. (Brandon Porter)

As the people came, they shot at anything that moved. (Nick Howard)

Then the pizza spoke; it spoke angry words, and any angry people died... (Thomas Larsen)

Fortunately, nobody was angry, so nobody died. But anyway...

Meanwhile, Fron, Zone, and McFragmonk McJaders had found the meaning of lint. It was: to tell fat people to lose weight and dirty people to shower once in a while.

Then Sir Mister Leotard the Third, Chicken Little, and the penguins (Skipper, Private, Rico, and ~~) joined the JROTC (Junior Recruit Officer Training Corps) and went overseas to help with the war for world peace. (Angela Berrett)

Since they were all a Special Operations group, their missions were all classified. (Nick Howard)

Then General Bob and the Matrix dude got an army of APUs (Armored Personnel Units) and attacked the machines. And ate the speaking pizza. Everything that has a beginning has an end, Mr. Anderson. (Thomas Larsen)

Narrator: Who’s Mr. Anderson? (Angela Berrett)

Mr. Anderson is THE ONE. NEO. The dude who’s going to save everyone from "The Matrix." (Thomas Larsen)

But before Mr. Anderson could save everyone, a terrorist blew him up. (Nick Howard)

And then Jacob ate everything he saw and all the animals in the world started to run away. (Jacob Reuckert)

But he was blind, so he couldn’t see anything to eat, so he starved to death. (Nick Howard)

Then the sparkle plum fairy regenerated and did a surgical procedure on him, freeing the fairytale muffins, Shroom the rubber pancake, the hotdog man, the hotdog planet, and the cheese from the previous story! They all left to go camping on the moon and make s’mores with moon cheese. (Angela Berrett)

Then Tarzan swung in and stole the scene, leaving us with an empty set. (Thomas Larsen)

So Jacob hid under the stage and pulled the trap door on the penguin that was inspecting the scene of the crime. The penguin fell and was rushed to the hospital with a broken flipper. (Angela Berrett)

Then the mobsters came in and shot the principal, Amdor. They had a funeral and Al cried. Valim partied. (Thomas Larsen)

Suddenly Al and Valim spontaneously combusted, leaving the mobsters running free. (Angela Berrett)

The mobsters trampled Jacob and tried to take over the world, but the squirrels on the moon foiled their plans. (Nick Howard)

Flight announcer: "Oh, no! They’ve got him in the Half Nelson! Now they’ve got him in the Full Nelson! Oh, no, the dreaded OZZIE NELSON!" (Imitating Ozzie Nelson) "Frank, boys, you might wanna come see this!" (Thomas Larsen)

Then the mobsters found the announcer and destroyed all his announcing equipment. (Nick Howard)

Then everyone died. The dancing onions came back and had a war with the squirrels. (Angela Berrett)

But the announcer was really Genie from "Aladdin" so he can’t die. But he can’t bring anyone back to life, either. "It’s a nasty business; I don’t like doing it." (Thomas Larsen)

So he went on vacation to the hotdog planet and went fishing for pickles in the pickle relish. (Angela Berrett)

The war between the dancing onions and the squirrels lasted for 1,000 years. By this time they had forgotten what they were fighting about and called for a truce. (Nick Howard)

Then they united against their common enemy, Genie. They created a fleet to attack the hotdog planet. But due to a terrible miscalculation, the fleet was so tiny it was swallowed by a flying fish. But these sort of things happen all the time. (Thomas Larsen)

Of course! Take for example the tragedy of 1653, when Captain Mushroom was eaten by a giant beetle high on helium. And we can’t forget the Smurfs’ rebellion in 1811. (Angela Berrett)

Or Moby Dick. Anyway, the flying fish flew to the hotdog planet and left the onions and squirrels there. (Nick Howard)

Then Genie used his magic to send them home and restore peace and harmony to the world. Then everybody was happy and this story ended. THE END (Angela Berrett)

Characters and Places (in order of appearance)

Bert

Shroom the Rubber Pancake

Wally Wiener Schnitzel

Mr. Princess

Amy

Sally, Julie, and Po

Shrek

Donkey

Goa’uld the snakelike parasite

fat rabbit

Jacob

muffin man

Thomas Larsen

Russell

hotdog maker

hotdog planet of D3PO

flying cow of destruction

Planet X

the moon

Planet S

Planet Q

Planet P

stinky cheese man

Planet K

Looloo the Bibbadoinker

General Bob

the Matrix dude

Planet Z

Pogo the Possum

Robert the immortal pelican

Homer Simpson

Zaboomafoo

Gollum

Marvin the Martian

Mount Doom

Middle Earth

hamburger man

wolf (a.k.a.: beautiful peasant girl)

Camelot

the lord of the story

Hitler

Bilbo

dragon flying overhead

Sting the Sword

a dementor

an assassin

chicken nuggets

the dish & the spoon

the cat & the fiddle

the mouse

Mother Goose

Mars

BYU

Cougars & Utes

Mr. Rudelich

Timon

Pumbaa

the penguins

lemur king

Listening Tree

dancing onions

sparkle plum fairy

Chicken Little

Sir Mister Leotard the Third

evil pink flamingos

Fron, Zone, and McFragmonk McJaders

talking pizza

the JROTC

Mr. Anderson

a terrorist

Tarzan

mobsters

Principal Amdor

Al and Valim

the squirrels

the announcer/Ozzie Nelson

Genie

the tiny fleet

a flying fish

Captain Mushroom

giant beetle

Smurfs

Moby Dick

A Penguin's Tale